Realize I haven't posted in awhile. Just haven't had the heart to, I guess. It has been a rather quiet week and a half. Hubby and I went from not talking to each other at all, to finally hashing out some of the things that have bugged/hurt both of us. When I told him that I had almost walked out the door, he said, "And I wouldn't have cared." I asked him what if I didn't come back, and he said that it wouldn't have mattered to him at that moment. Now my question is: It wouldn't matter to him in that moment, or not at all, ever? Not sure I'm ready to ask him that one yet.
We did go on to actually discuss some things civilly with each other (wow, I caught him at a lucid moment!). However, when I asked him what happens when he lashes out so viciously, I always get an "I don't know. I just don't care when I am doing it." I also shared my perception of things, and I did get a "sorry" from him, but really don't know how sincere it was. During the conversation, he did ask me: "Why can't we talk to each other like this all the time? I didn't know you felt that way." And I told him that right now he was lucid, making sense, and not screaming at me. Quite often if I attempt to initiate a conversation with him, it ends badly, so I quite often just don't bother anymore. I think at that moment, some part of him understood what I was trying to say, but who knows how long he'll remember it? Short term memory has been an issue for quite awhile, too. So, I am here, for now . . .
Re-read a couple of posts today. Crazy Wife's dad died a matter of months after her mom almost left him. Would mom have ever been able to forgive herself if she had left so soon before he had died? May seem stupid, but I worry about things like that! Diabetes Wife also wrote today that maybe there are not a lot of diabetic's wives out there writing about this, as statistics show that 80% of them leave. I guess we can all understand that! I also agree with her that we need to support each other, as this is NOT easy, and who knows how long any of us will hang in there? To all my sisters out there: know that you are special, loving, strong, amazing women. We all need to remind ourselves of that on a daily basis!
I think it helps if we give ourselves "permission" to leave. I've found that it helps to physically leave when the discussion turns heated....even if he refuses to test and I know he is low. Lots and lots of Walmart visits....I can tell you where everything in the store it! LOL! It takes me 45 minutes to get there, buy toothpaste, come home. And by then, he has calmed down. Have 8 tubes of toothpaste in the bathroom drawer and realized I need to start picking up something else! :o)
ReplyDeleteThank you...I needed that. It's like in the bible it says something like love those who hate you etc etc etc...yeah...I get that but living with someone who behaves hateful? ai yi yi...grinds on a person... mine has been so very sweet lately I am in a different place but I do remember all the moments when he was irrational and I felt like I was in the middle of a frustrating mind game that i knew I wasn't going to win. YIKES! All I would want to do during those episodes was SCREAM my lungs out. I do think the depression meds and neuropathy meds and my hubby being retired are helping him to be easier to live with. The 39th year has been the easiest...The ups and downs over those other years ... well, maybe I won't comment at this time. I do love the guy...yup. that is not our problem, right ladies??? no easy answers...so we commune together to support each other. Necessary activity. HUGS
ReplyDeleteOMG...we live far from Walmart too....love the toothpaste sharing, DW.
ReplyDeleteIt would be so easy to tell you to leave
ReplyDeleteyour situation sounds bad to me
but, we all have moments when we want/need to leave
and this is our place to share
but no one can tell you what to do
would you do it if I told you to do it?
this is a difficult life
and its yours to decide,
good luck,
Tom's Wife
Tom's Wife,
ReplyDeleteYou would not be the first "friend" to tell me that. But in the end, I know I have to be the one to decide. And I'm not there yet. I love the man I married, but most of the time, he isn't there anymore . . . so hard! At any rate, thank you for your good wishes and concerns. Take care.