Sunday, July 31, 2011

Close Call for Both of Us

We are just wrapping up a camping trip with friends in our motor home today.  For the most part, it's been fun, with no out of control episodes with hubby.  Whew!  The last few days have been good time to unwind.

However, getting here was more than we bargained for.  Going almost 70 MPH on a major multi-lane highway,  I had a front tire blow out while I was driving.  Felt and sounded as if a bomb had exploded underneath me, as it was on my side.  Thank God, no other vehicles were in my way . . . maybe the pieces of tire which had peeled off warned them away?  I swerved over into the left lane, and was able to (carefully) hit the brake and ease it back over onto the right shoulder, with cars and tractor trailers whizzing past me soon after.  The tire was totally flat, and there wasn't much left of it. 

Hubby had gotten up to go get something to eat, and thankfully had braced himself when the thing exploded.  So thankfully, no one was hurt.  I was rather grateful he wasn't in the front seat with me when it happened, as he might have freaked out, which would have distracted me from what I needed to do.  So all in all, things worked out, thank God.  Was I shaking when I got out of the camper?  You betcha.  I guess it just isn't our time to go yet . . .  I do think we need to get AAA though.  Would probably be a whole lot cheaper to fix next time!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Better A1C Already!

Hubby had an appointment with his diabetes educator today regarding the CGM he got 2 weeks ago.  He was told that his A1C  has greatly improved: from over 9 to 7.4.  Absolutely awesome.  He is as excited as I am.  He also said he has been feeling better, with more energy.  Great incentive to keep up with what he has been doing the last 2 weeks!

Response to Anonymous: Why do I Stay?

Anonymous commented...
"Why don't you complaining women of Diabetic husbands just get a divorce? I'm serious? Why are you staying?"
Anonymous, It took me awhile to post your very valid question, as I had to think about it for awhile.   If you have read some of the other posts from myself and others, you would have a partial answer.  However, I will try to explain as best I can (and I will only speak for myself here): - I am still in love with the man he was when we first got married.  We used to have a lot of fun, and laughter was a part of every day.  We had a deep love for each other.  Yes, there were some disagreements, but nothing like now.  I am greatly saddened by what diabetes and all its complications has taken away from our marriage. - There is a huge part of me that doesn't want to leave a chronically ill husband.  What kind of person does that make me if I do?  I knew that he had diabetes and the beginnings of kidney failure when we got married, and I chose to marry him anyway.  In retrospect, probably not the greatest life choice, but I did know that things would get worse.  I just didn't know how much worse that would be. - Another reason that I stay (that I am not proud of) is because of finances.  I could make it on my own if I left, but it would be very difficult, and I could probably never retire. I don't know if any of this will make sense to you, but I am willing to bet that many of the "wives of diabetics" who read this will understand at least some of what I am saying.  In the meantime, I'm (trying to) hang in there without losing myself.  Some days, it's much harder than others.  Will I continue to stay forever?  I don't have an answer for that.  Right now, it's one day at a time, and I do what I can to nurture myself so that I have the strength to go on. Lilly

Thursday, July 14, 2011

New CGM and questions

2 days ago, hubby finally got a CGM (continuous glucose monitor) for his pump.  I did not go with him to this appointment, as son was still here.  Hubby is now saying he needs to check his blood sugar and calibrate the CGM 4 times a day, every day, for as long as he has it.  And of course, he is holding me responsible to wake him up to do this, as he "can't" get up!  For those of you who have experience with the CGM, is it really true that he needs to do this???  Forever?  So far, it does not seem to be giving him very accurate readings.  Any info from those of you "in the know" would be greatly appreciated right now.

It is now about 2:00 PM, and he is still not out of bed, although I know he has gotten up at least twice to visit the bathroom.  Really hoping he calibrated this morning, and doesn't give me grief later.  After all the agitation of the past week, I am enjoying the peace.

Okay, just opened this post back up to add something.  Hubby got up about 2:30, and his sugar was at 228, because (of course) I "didn't wake him up."  When I told him I had heard him get up at least twice to go to the bathroom and assumed he had taken the opportunity to calibrate the CGM then, he responded with: "But I don't open my eyes when I do that."  What absolute bullshit!  

Treading water

I have been away for awhile.  So much has gone on, yet I feel like I am treading water with hubby . . .

After 3 days of silence from me, while he continued to act as if nothing had happened after the last blow-up I wrote about, he finally asked me if I was still mad.  Gee, do you think?  We actually had a good, calm discussion, in which I let him know that our marriage was in deep trouble, and that I have almost left twice in the last several months.

This scared him, at least for the moment.  He told me that when he has one of his rages, there is part of him that knows he's doing it, but he can't stop.  His brain feels as if it is "bouncing around inside his skull", and he feels very confused and angry.  He also usually has a headache which is localized to one specific spot.  At that point, consequences don't matter to him.  I let him know in no uncertain terms that I am not willing to do this forever, and that if I leave, it will be because of his unreasonable rages.  At the time, he seemed to "get it."  He also said he would be devastated if I left.  In the meantime, he has been more careful about taking his meds at the prescribed times.

Fast forward to a couple weeks later . . . my son came for a much-anticipated visit, after not being out here in over a year.  On the way to my brother's house, my son and I were talking to each other in the front seat, and hubby was sitting in the back seat, again talking extremely loud (he has now "lost" his hearing aid).  My son turned the radio up really loud, and then back down right away, but he was "messing" with his step dad a little.  Hubby got pissed.  Then one of us said something to the other (I can't for the life of me remember what it was!) and we started laughing.  Hubby said "What?" for (maybe) the 10th time, and my son responded with "Nothing."  Hubby responds with: "Well f**k you!"  Mind you, my son had not even been in our company for a whole 4 hours when this happened.  The ensuing conversation was not exactly friendly, but my son stayed out of it the best he could.  But he later asked me if he should get a hotel room!  I told him no.

Spoke to hubby the following morning without son in earshot.  Told him he was never to speak to my "kid" like that again!  His response: "I will if I feel like it."  I then let him know that if said son got a hotel room, I would be going with him.  That seemed to cool things a little, but my son and I did almost everything we could without including hubby after that, and we had a great time.  I was just grateful he was willing to stay, as there were other rocky times with hubby during the time he was here.  By the way, neither one of us got any apologies.  Obviously, we did have a conversation in which I told my son at least some of the things that were going on.  Son now thinks of him as a "miserable old man."  Sad, but probably true.  Son left for home yesterday, and I have plans to visit him for a short weekend next month.  Wondering if he'll ever want to stay here again.  Can't say that I'd blame him if he didn't.

A small request

At the risk of being a pain in the butt:

Some of us (I speak for myself) who have reached the age of needing bifocals find it much easier to read larger text.  (You may have noticed my blog is written larger than usual).  If any of you are so inclined, and it's not too much trouble, it would be a tremendous help if you made your text size larger.  I only say this because I really want to follow everyone's musings, but sometimes I have to cut my viewing time short because of the eye strain.  Also thinking I'm probably not the only one out there with this problem . . .

Thanks so much,