Thursday, February 24, 2011

Suffering in silence . . . do I go, or do I stay?

Crazy Wife shared a post on Tuesday that unfortunately, I can really identify with.  Read it at:
Things I Never Knew
She tells about all the things her mother dealt with, being married to a diabetic for 40 years.  Crazy Wife didn't know all the things her mother put up with until just recently.  Her mother finally shared her story with her daughter, almost 3 years after her husband's (Crazy Wife's dad's) death.  It sounds as if the driving force behind Mom finally telling her daughter is because she is now watching her daughter go through the same thing in her life.  Mom refused to tell Crazy Wife whether she should stay with her diabetic husband or leave him, telling her daughter only she can make that decision.

I reread that post this morning, as I came very close to packing my bags and leaving last night.  I am still home, but really don't know what the "right" decision is anymore.  Another big blow-up where he was totally out of control, and blaming me for everything.  This time, he claimed that he was angry that I interrupted his television show, which can easily be put on "pause."  Then went on from there to scream at me about everything I have done for probably the last 10 years.  When I tried to speak to him, he just screamed over the top of me, telling me I had yelled at him first . . . I hadn't.  There was no reasoning with him.  I did finally get him to tell me what his blood sugar was, as he had just checked it.  He told me 167.  When this very same thing happened at his doctor's with a similar blood sugar, she had informed me that was not high enough for him to be freaking out that badly.  So, is she right???  Or wrong?  Or is it a rebound effect from the fact that he just started his anti-anxiety meds again after being off them for . . . 1 week?  2 weeks?  Who really knows?  Definitely not me!

So do I go, or do I stay?

I don't want to leave a seriously ill husband, and have friends and family think: "What a bitch!  How could she leave him when he needed her the most?"  And he would be in trouble if I left now, as there are many things he has trouble doing and needs my help with.  I wonder if HE realizes that?   

On the other hand, I am SO TIRED of all the verbal/emotional abuse he has dished out over the years, and I do NOT see that ever getting any better!  Yes, financially it would be hard for me, but some days I feel like almost anything would be better than this.  And the few people I have talked to who REALLY know what's going on (including at least some of his immediate family) would totally understand my leaving.

So do I go or do I stay?

Wish I had an answer that I was really sure about.  For now, I'm still here.  But really don't know if I can keep doing this . . .


  1. It sounds to me like abuse...I would suggest a separation. that's my take on it. good luck and keep us posted. HUGS and LOVE and Prayers. I think you time away to get some perspective. You matter.

  2. I know EXACTLY what you mean. It does sound like abuse, but... (fill in blanks of all the excuses in the world) I go through it everyday with you. I wonder WHY if I am a strong woman WHY am I still here? I don't know why WE choose to stay. I am working on that answer myself. Know that we in your "virtual" world are here to support YOU. Whatever decision you make, I am here for YOU. Use this as your outlet, sometimes it helps. TRY and talk to your DH when/IF he is "normal". Record the conversation, and play it when he starts yelling. It's kind of scary the first time, but then it's just plan FUN! Take care...
    Crazy wife :)