Suffering in silence . . . do I go, or do I stay?

Crazy Wife shared a post on Tuesday that unfortunately, I can really identify with.  Read it at:
Things I Never Knew
She tells about all the things her mother dealt with, being married to a diabetic for 40 years.  Crazy Wife didn't know all the things her mother put up with until just recently.  Her mother finally shared her story with her daughter, almost 3 years after her husband's (Crazy Wife's dad's) death.  It sounds as if the driving force behind Mom finally telling her daughter is because she is now watching her daughter go through the same thing in her life.  Mom refused to tell Crazy Wife whether she should stay with her diabetic husband or leave him, telling her daughter only she can make that decision.

I reread that post this morning, as I came very close to packing my bags and leaving last night.  I am still home, but really don't know what the "right" decision is anymore.  Another big blow-up where he was totally out of control, and blaming me for everything.  This time, he claimed that he was angry that I interrupted his television show, which can easily be put on "pause."  Then went on from there to scream at me about everything I have done for probably the last 10 years.  When I tried to speak to him, he just screamed over the top of me, telling me I had yelled at him first . . . I hadn't.  There was no reasoning with him.  I did finally get him to tell me what his blood sugar was, as he had just checked it.  He told me 167.  When this very same thing happened at his doctor's with a similar blood sugar, she had informed me that was not high enough for him to be freaking out that badly.  So, is she right???  Or wrong?  Or is it a rebound effect from the fact that he just started his anti-anxiety meds again after being off them for . . . 1 week?  2 weeks?  Who really knows?  Definitely not me!

So do I go, or do I stay?

I don't want to leave a seriously ill husband, and have friends and family think: "What a bitch!  How could she leave him when he needed her the most?"  And he would be in trouble if I left now, as there are many things he has trouble doing and needs my help with.  I wonder if HE realizes that?   

On the other hand, I am SO TIRED of all the verbal/emotional abuse he has dished out over the years, and I do NOT see that ever getting any better!  Yes, financially it would be hard for me, but some days I feel like almost anything would be better than this.  And the few people I have talked to who REALLY know what's going on (including at least some of his immediate family) would totally understand my leaving.

So do I go or do I stay?

Wish I had an answer that I was really sure about.  For now, I'm still here.  But really don't know if I can keep doing this . . .

I'm not "allowed" to get sick . . . am I?

Horrible night of literally no sleep and coughing and gagging until I vomited, more than once.  Think I even scared hubby, as he holed up in his computer room and didn't come out for most of the night.  But he also knew I wanted to be left alone, as there wasn't anything he could really do to make me feel better, except get me more tissues!  Finally got allergy tested today, and among many other things, I am now allergic to cats.  Bummer, as we have a couple.  Oh well, the good news is that I can get "cat allergy serum" added to the cocktail of everything else I get injected with, so hope things will take a turn for the better.  Unfortunately, there will be a wait for the new serum.  I am really, really hoping that I can actually get some real sleep tonight, but the meds don't seem to be working fast enough.

Hubby's anti-anxiety meds finally came in the mail yesterday, and we talked about the necessity of him STAYING on them, and taking the right dosage.  Still don't know if he "gets it" or not!

It's so frustrating for me when I don't feel well, as so many things go undone.  That's when I realize the full magnitude of everything I normally do.  Always feeling I have to stay well, as everything goes to hell when I am sick!

Why does he always have to be "sicker" than me?

I am feeling so pissed off!  Our kitties were due to get their shots today, and the original plan was for me to take them to the vet.  However, I have been VERY SICK with allergies.  Can't breathe through my nose at all, can't stop coughing/gagging  because of the post nasal drip, and have also gotten very little sleep the past several nights.  Since I am being skin-tested (again!) for allergies tomorrow, I haven't been able to take anything to feel better for the last few days.  As I have gotten worse and worse all day instead of better, I finally knock on his bedroom door (around 1:00 in the afternoon, mind you . . . I think he planned on sleeping all day again!), and ask him if he can possibly take the cats.  Oh, and I do offer to reschedule the vet appointment so I can take them at a later time, but he says "no."  Okay, no problem . . . until he finally gets up.  His sugar checks out at 189, and he announces, "I'm as sick as you are!"  I don't make a lot of comment, as I really don't have the energy for this BS today, and he continues to bang around, complain and swear until he FINALLY leaves.  Gee, I'm so glad I bothered to ask him for his help, and why the HELL does he always have to claim he is feeling at least as bad or worse than me?  In other words, when I feel bad, apparently it doesn't matter to him!  Makes me feel so special.  I also told him I would have to sleep on the recliner in the living room tonight, and his answer to this is: "Okay, I'll turn the TV down."  Since the TV is about 10 feet from the recliner, I'm thinking that's really big of him!  Wondering if I can rig up something in my "woman cave" in the basement.  I am so tired of never  coming first in his life.  How does anyone get so self-centered?

Oops . . . we transplanted the wrong kidney!?

See this link:

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Wellness/usc-shuts-transplant-program-man-wrong-kidney/story?id=12951883

The article goes on to say that "no harm was done" because (very fortunately!)  the kidney was a "close-enough" match to work for the person who received it . . . thank God!  Luckily, the intended recipient of the "misplaced" kidney received one a few days later.  This could have been so much worse than it was.  I am thinking many things about all this, but let's just say this: right now, my words fail me!  Thank you Cristy, for bringing this to my attention.

Best wishes to Diabetes Wife and hubby

Many kudos to Diabetes Wife today.  See her post at: http://wifeofadiabetic.blogspot.com/2011/02/everyone-needs-bitch-like-me.html  After 3 weeks of dealing with almost anything that could possibly go wrong with her husband's back surgery, she has made the decision to bring him home.  Rehab at the hospital was anything but, with messed up or missed meds, and one scare and indignity after another.  Diabetes Wife, may your hubby continue to improve, and hopefully stay off dialysis.  It is truly scary when we cannot put our trust in the very health professionals who are supposed to help us and our loved ones get well.  She and hubby need all the prayers and positive thoughts/energy we can possibly send her right now, as this will not be easy.   May this prolonged nightmare finally have a good outcome for both of you!

Living donors really ARE people too!

This is an interesting post at "Living Donors are People Too" (you may want to overlook the language used if it offends you . . . I totally get that Cristy was more than a little upset!):

http://sirencristy.blogspot.com/2011/02/and-yet-more-fuckery-from-land-of-tv.html

I seriously doubt that this person would have been okayed for a kidney transplant when they didn't even know what was wrong, but this kind of portrayal does upset those of us who have sacrificed a kidney for someone else.  I don't know if I totally agree with her perception of being "maimed," but I do agree that living donors do not always get a lot of consideration, and I did have a serious brachial plexus injury from the way I was positioned when they removed my kidney.  I still believe that should never have happened.   I also believe that as a diabetic with many health issues, my husband had a slim to no chance of getting a cadaver kidney anytime soon.

My hubby finally got ahold of the doctor who dispenses the anti-anxiety meds he so obviously needs . . . hoping they will arrive in the mail, like . . .  tomorrow!  Have not attempted to sit him down and talk about the necessity of staying on this med, as I am still too angry.  However, we WILL have a talk this weekend.  Oh, and the "cracked rib" doesn't seem to be bothering him today! 

On the plus side, the weather is getting better, and I was able to take our very appreciative dog for a nice long walk the last 2 days.  GREAT therapy for both of us!  And tomorrow is another day . . .

Cracked rib?

Okay . . . when I got home from work, hubby announces that he thinks he cracked a rib coughing today.   I know he has osteopenia from the prednisone he has to take, but is this even possible???  He insists he's done it before.  This doesn't make sense to me.   Mind you, he doesn't want to be seen by anybody.  Should I believe him?  Don't know what to think.  He also forgot to call about getting his anti-anxiety meds refilled.  Oh happy day . . . :-(

What a wasted day!

This is literally one of those days I just want to throw in the towel, give up and run away!  Took the day off to take hubby to his endocrinologist, because he can't drive that far anymore.  Started out late, because he couldn't manage to get ready in time.  This has been an ongoing issue, as he seems to have no concern about getting anywhere on time anymore.  When I said something about needing to leave, I got screamed at because "I always make him forget things" when I make him hurry.  5 minutes later, he decides he has everything he needs anyway, but then decides he needs the GPS to get there.  Mind you, we have been to this doctor plenty of times, and have never used the GPS.  However, we do usually use written directions, as it is in the middle of a fairly large city.  Neither of us can find the cord that plugs into the car, and I ask him: "Don't you know how to get there?"  He finds the directions that he always uses, and we finally leave.  Shortly after we leave, I am told I am not taking good care of his truck.  Apparently he doesn't like the way I'm driving it . . . don't ask me, I don't know what the problem is either, but he always has to say something derogatory about my driving.  In the meantime, he is squirming all over the seat, pulling on his clothes, complaining about everything and swearing.  His sugar is around 150, so that isn't really the problem.  WHAT IS???  Anyway, to make a long story short, I have not been able to do anything "right" all day long!

When we finally get to the endocrinologist (quite late for the appointment of course!), his A1C is 8.9, down from 9.1 a few months ago.  There is concern expressed that it is still so high, and all he can say is, "But it's better!"  When the doctor leaves the room, I tell him it is still awfully high, and he responds with, "But it's down to 8!"  When I remind him about the .9 that he has conveniently left off, he gets angry all over again.  The doctor ends up bringing in 3 "doctors in training" to show them that his blood sugars have no rhyme or reason, and stresses that this is what happens when someone chooses to do their own thing.  Yup, that pisses him off too, and of course it's not his fault.  It's obvious his doctor is not going to even attempt to talk to him about getting better control, as she has gone down that path so many times before, and has gotten nowhere because he always has an excuse for everything.  Yup, I know how she feels on that score.  Wonderful.

Oh and by the way: while we were waiting in the room for the doctor to come back, he finally makes mention that he has run out of his anti-anxiety medication "2 or 3 days" ago.  And he didn't tell me until now?  Aha, maybe that's why he's so agitated and fun to be with today???  When I question him further, it's obvious it's probably been more days than he is letting on, as this is a man who always tells me something happened "yesterday" when it was 2 or 3 days ago.  And then he says: "Well, the prescription bottle said I can take it as needed!"  I told him he definitely needed it.   Can you hear me silently screaming and banging my head against the wall?  The plan is for him to go see about getting it refilled tomorrow.  Gee, maybe if he doesn't, I can go get some "happy pills" for myself, and then I won't care if he's agitated, mean and impossible to live with.  What a wasted day!

McAllen teacher dies after donating kidney to her mother | mcallen, donating, kidney - TheMonitor.com

McAllen teacher dies after donating kidney to her mother | mcallen, donating, kidney - TheMonitor.com

I have posted the link for the article here.  One thing to note: the article says the donor underwent a kidney transplant, when she actually underwent a nephrectomy (removal of her kidney) so that it could be transplanted into her mother.  As a living kidney donor, I have to wonder how such a thing could have happened.  Although death of a donor is very rare,  how very sad for this whole family!  Would like to know more about what actually happened to this woman . . .

Drastic measures

Ellie wrote about her husband:

You cannot know how much having someone "out there" helps. We did get an answer to the incontinence. Seems that his last artificial hip (gone thru 3!) has moved and broken a screw and is now into his pelvis. We have to go to a higher medical facility in our state and they are talking about amputating his entire leg, hip and possibly part of the pelvis that has been damaged. It seems that when he lays down, the ball part of the joint pushes his bladder and is wreaking havoc. I do not know what to do. He will be using a wheelchair after the surgery for the rest of his life and our mobile home is too small for him to even get into a bathroom. Does anyone have any suggestions about how to get out of a home and into one that will accomodate a wheelchair when your credit has long since collapsed with all of the catastrophes? Funny, I have friends writing to Oprah to ask for help...somehow I don't think that's gonna work.

Ellie,

I am posting this just in case someone has some suggestions or "connections" that I unfortunately do not.  Wish I could do more.  My heart goes out to you, as it seems things just keep getting harder for you!  This surgery sounds extremely drastic, and more than a little scary.  If it were my husband, I would be asking a lot of questions about other alternatives, and probably also getting a second opinion . . . all of which I know is hard when time and money are in short supply.  I know there are also (motorized?) wheelchairs out there that take up less space, that I think Medicaid/Medicare would cover.  Don't know if that would work in your mobile home?

Does anyone else out there have suggestions or connections???  If so, please share.

Frequent Falls and Bruises

Hubby has been using a wheeled walker with a seat off and on the last few days.  Finally decided to try it after another fall that left him with a nasty bruise on the back of his thigh, and a painful hip.  Don't know how much of the falling is from spinal stenosis, how much is from neuropathy/lack of feeling, and how much is from the low blood pressure that hits him every time he gets up from a seated position.  My feeling is that it is probably a combination of all three. 

I have already told him he needs to be more careful, because if he falls and breaks a hip, I won't be able to take care of him at home.  The thought of that scares both of us, and I'm also wondering at what point I will no longer be able to leave him alone for extended periods of time.  Will I be able to get someone else to watch out for him when I am working, or if I want to take a trip?  Traveling has gotten so difficult, we haven't really attempted it together in the last few years.  Scared for him, but also for me too, as I'm thinking my world could get a lot more limited as this progresses and he needs more care.  Am I selfish for feeling this way?

Also, prayers go out to Wife of a Diabetic, whose husband continues to struggle with many complications in the hospital.  Wishing them both all good things!

Welcome to a new blog reader!

I got 2 lengthy comments from "ellefsonsk" (Ellie) yesterday.  It was actually one entry, but she ran out of room to say all she needed to.  I have posted it here in its entirety, so that it will not be "lost" just in the comments, as her story is worth telling, and not "too long" at all.  Welcome!  Hope that this blog and others will be a source of information and strength to you, and anyone else who happens to find it.  By the way, Wife of a Diabetic gave me the strength and courage to start my own blog, as she let me and so many others know that we are not alone!  The following is actually addressed to all of us out there who are blogging away about our crazy lives . . .

ellefsonsk has left a new comment on your post "Fighting my own depression":

Dearest wives--my Mother sent me this feed and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate having somewhere to see that I am really not as alone as I thought...this post may be too long for you to read and that's ok, I just need to have somewhere I can say what is in my heart...
I am 44 and married to my second husband who has been Type I diabetic for 40 years (he's 53). I learned quickly how to help during the lows and to calculate the insulin needed plus make sure a potty was close by for the highs--the pump helped some when he got that some years ago. I had no idea the path our lives would take and do not recognize this man I am now married to, nor do I recognize myself.
11 years ago we decided to try and have a baby together--I have a daughter from my 1st marriage and her father is a total deadbeat. My husband was an awesome dad and we entered that journey--ended up with infertility due to diabetes and used a sperm donor. After many months we did conceive and were filled with great joy! At that time my husband stated having lots of stomach trouble--severe diarrhea and heartburn. On the same day we got to see our beautiful little boy on the ultrasound for the first time we were told that my husband had cancer. They removed 98% of his stomach and didn't need to do chemo or anything else so thought we were in the clear...the post-op infections began and nearly killed him. I was pregnant and living in another state from all of our family. With numerous hospital stays and constant IV's that I did at home he got better and went back to work after 4 months. His employer promptly fired him for failing to keep up his charting--he was a therapist. Tough to do when you're not there but nevertheless it was terrifying. We lost our home, our dignity and too much to list and came back to our home state where he was able to get an even better position. After 5 years there he developed a yet another very rare diabetic complication called autonomic neuropathy. His BP crashes--bad! December of 2009 he got up in the morning, BP dropped to 50/30 and he passed out and broke his hip on our kitchen floor, in front of our little boy. We have had 13 hip surgeries to date and the passing out issue is every day. He falls constantly and I pick him up or catch him as much as I can. Our son ended up in therapy because he thought it was his fault--he was 9. My husband has had to retire from his job because of medical issues despite little retirement and still having 2 kids at home. We will never recover from the financial strain--doesn't seem like a strong enough word--is financial terror acceptable? From our 5 bedroom house we now live in a mobile home that is falling apart and no one but me to try and do everything.
Must continue on another post....
Sorry wives--just had to get it all out and too long...
Last week our son came home from school to find his Dad unconscious on the floor while I was working at my part-time job--with a college degree, it is all I can afford to be away from him. Little guy knew enough to test his blood sugar--it was 27. Happens alot when I am not here to remind him or do it myself.
I have a very strong faith and know that God has gotten me through all of this and yes, I usually am the one with a smile and some how find the strength to laugh about it all but just feel so sad, angry and resentful all the time. At 44 I know my life is over--for the next 30 years I will have to take care of my husband in every way.
I read the comment about sex going away and can certainly relate to that--not sure I'd have the energy anyway. Our latest issue is incontinence--every time my husband lays down, he loses control of his bladder so I spend most of the night changing depends, sheets and underwear. I know how hard that is for him but he falls down if he tries to do it himself and he is scratched and bruised from the bathroom floor so I do this as quietly as possible and without complaint to try and help him with the emotional aspect of that condition. Urologist can't seem to tell us anything...
Thank you ladies, from the very bottom of my heart for giving me a place to vent and to not feel so all alone.
God Bless You.

All this and kidney failure too?

My heart goes out to Wife of a Diabetic.  After undergoing 2 operations 2 days apart for spinal stenosis,  and dealing with gross mismanagement of his insulin by the medical profession in the hospital, his kidneys have failed.  Please see her post at:  http://wifeofadiabetic.blogspot.com/2011/02/complete-shut-down.html  May she know that she is thought of and prayed for tonight, as well as her husband.  Can I really say more?

Best wishes to Wife of a Diabetic and her husband

Wife of a diabetic has been much in my thoughts and prayers the past several days.  So worried about things turning out right with her husband's back surgery.

One hugely upsetting aspect of all this is trying to make sure that her husband gets the insulin dosages he needs to have while hospitalized.  Being over 300 all the time is not acceptable!  What is bad is that often nurses know it needs to be different, but they are at the mercy of the doctors, who dictate dosage amounts.  And if the doctors don't understand how it all works . . . well, that's where the trouble starts!  Really hope that Diabetes Wife was able to snag hubby's doctor and actually get him to listen to her regarding his insulin requirements. 

Making this happen is no small task, and I am sending all the well wishes and strength I can possibly send her way, as I have been there/done that many many times.  NO ONE should have to go through this, on top of whatever other health issue a diabetic spouse is dealing with at the time . . . but apparently, it happens all the time.  WHY?!

Hang in there, Diabetes Wife.  We are all rooting for you!