New Beginnings

I am making plans to create an apartment for myself on the second floor of my dad's old farm house.  Much needs to be done to make this happen, and it is daunting, but exciting at the same time.  Also sad, as it means I will not be going back "home." 

I do still care about my husband, but know I can't live in the same house with him anymore.  I have had time to think about this: if his problems were all just physical, I would stay until the bitter end with no problem, as a part of me still loves him.  But all of the toxic emotional stuff he has directed toward me over the years . . . I can't continue to be victimized by that, whether it is diabetic-related, mental illness, lousy attitude, just plain rage, or whatever.  He cannot/will not change, so I have to. 

A very good friend of mine told me a few months ago that I was not the same person anymore, and she was right.  I need to get the "me that was" back, but make myself better and stronger.  I am starting to rediscover my passion for life, but still . . . the sadness is there.  I guess because I so wanted a way to make things work between my husband and myself.  So this is a new beginning with endless possibilities, but also an end to something I had passionately hoped for.

I am toying with the idea of a new "Starting Over" blog, but haven't made up my mind yet.  If I do, I will post the link here.

I have been noticing for awhile that several of the "spouse of diabetic" blogs I was following have not posted in a very long time.  Wonder what is happening with all of you?  Hopefully, you are all okay!





 

I'm still here . . .

I have been gone now for 6 weeks.  Hubby still doesn't get that I don't plan on coming back home . . . other than to get the rest of my things.  He keeps sabotaging my attempts to move my things (probably because that is too final?), but for now I have what I need.  And honestly, if I get everything now, I'll have to find a place to store it.

A couple of interesting things, though:

My allergies (which are usually so horrible, I have to get shots for them every week) have calmed right down.  I am going for shots every 2 weeks, and am doing better than I've done in years.  And that's on a farm, which has all kinds of things I'm allergic to.  When I looked up "stress and allergies," there apparently is a correlation.  I am living proof.  I had no idea. 

I am also sleeping better than I have in years (unless of course, it's one of those nights when I wake up, and start worrying about how he is doing!)

And finally, the dog . . . I got her a week after I left, telling him I was worried she would not get any exercise without me there.  Miraculously, he let me take her.  Exercise was only part of my concern, as I knew he would sleep all day and not let her out . . . and I wasn't coming home anymore after work to rescue her.  Anyway, she lost 13 pounds in 3 weeks!  I got scared and thought she was dying, although she seemed to be doing fine every other way.  When I took her to the vet, she had gone from 90 pounds down to 77.  They looked at me, pointed to her, and said, "That's what she's supposed to look like!"  For 10 years, they have been telling hubby that her joints were getting stressed out from the extra weight, and he would argue with them that he "didn't feed her that much people food."  Actually, I knew better, as she got some of whatever he was having, whenever he ate it.  They also noticed she was no longer moving like she was lame and stiff.  Woo hoo, I did the right thing by taking her!  She has a large farm on which to run all over the place, no more junk food, and she is doing great.  She's also great company for me.  Isn't it sad that he was even affecting the dog's well-being?  Oh well, one day at a time . . .

Lilly

Musings

Sitting here in my little home away from home, listening to the frogs, the peepers, and the birds singing their evening song.  So peaceful and healing.  Did I ever write that my husband actually gets angry at the birds when they wake him up in the morning?  One of the reasons he will no longer open the windows, I guess.  I can't imagine.  To me, going to bed and waking up hearing the birds, etc. is a luxury. 

I have missed my cats, my house, my basement woman cave, my flowers which are now blooming in our yard, and our beautiful deck which was another getaway for me.  I have not missed hubby and all the drama.  Does that make me an absolutely horrible person?

Peace

Sitting quietly in the camper, with all the windows open.  Enjoying the breeze, and listening to the birds and "peepers" singing outside.  If I were still home, all the windows would have to be closed, the AC would be on, and the TV would be blaring.  There is so much to be said for peace . . .

Lilly 

Change in Circumstances

Well, I am now living in the camper.  Long story, but more of the same old stuff.  Of course, it is "all my fault."  Too drained to even cry right now.  Should I be angry, relieved, or just plain sad?  I'm feeling all of those, and more.  For now, I am working on making my own secure "nest."  Not sure what will come next.  One step (and one day) at a time . . .

Cheers,

Lilly

Things to be thankful for

First of all, thank you for your comments on my last post.  Although I don't "know" my internet friends face to face, I do still consider you friends . . . and very much appreciate your support.  It helps tremendously.

Tom's Wife, you are correct that I have choices, and could make it on my own if I absolutely had to.  Thank you for your faith in me.   Diabetes Wife and Michael, thank you for your support as well.  I have responded to all your comments on my previous post.  I also have a friend I can actually talk to face to face, and she has pointed out some other choices I have besides just walking out and not coming back, as I'm not sure I'm ready to do that just yet . . .

I have already spoken to my brother about leaving some essentials at his house if I feel the need to sleep on his couch again.  I will be getting those things together this coming week.  That way, I know I will have what I need for work the next day, etc.   Thank God he is supportive, and "gets" what is going on.

As the weather is getting warmer, I am spending more time outdoors.  We have a wonderful deck in the back yard.  Hubby never goes out there.  A few days ago, I quietly went out to the deck and ate dinner on my own after he started grousing at me for not "letting him know" that I would be back in time for dinner.  I took a family member to an appointment and got home earlier than I had planned.   By the way, he had already gotten himself dinner; maybe he just wanted to complain?  The peace and quiet while watching and listening to our backyard birds and watching our dog happily romp around the yard was awesome.  When I finished eating, I swept the deck, pulled some weeds, and arranged our (well-used but still functional) outdoor furniture to my liking.  I stayed out there until it was dark, and enjoyed every minute.  I'm now thinking about how I may be able to build a simple, inexpensive fire pit in the back yard as well.

I'm also very fortunate to have a mostly finished basement.  He almost never goes to the basement, as it is hard for him to navigate the stairs.  With a few inexpensive, finishing touches, I could have an "apartment" down here with pretty much all but a bathroom.  I have often referred to the basement as my "woman cave," and it really is.  Most self-nurturing, indoor activities that I do at home are centered in the basement.  He has often made me feel guilty for spending so much time there, but I'm not going to allow him that power anymore.  What he sees as my "selfishness" is my recipe for maintaining my sanity.

I quietly moved a used microwave down here today that had been languishing in our garage.  Was able to eat a simple dinner by myself in comparative peace tonight, as he was upstairs ranting about life in general.  (Oh, by the way, our freezer is in the basement too and I already have a little coffee maker as well!)  He's in no danger of starving, as the upstairs refrigerator is well stocked. 

After sleeping for a solid 2 days and 2 nights, he got up around 3 this afternoon and was very nasty to me, saying I should have woken him up.  Honestly???  Isn't that his job?  Then he said his sugar level was at 75.  When I told him to eat something, he said no, he didn't feel like it, and if he didn't, maybe he could just die and make everyone happy.  Wow, how to respond to that?  I didn't try, but did move myself downstairs.

He hasn't passed out, so I know he got himself something.

Thinking I will be shopping for a small refrigerator next.  If this arrangement doesn't work, there is always our camper, which could be set up elsewhere.  May sound crazy, but it's nice to know that at least I do have some choices . . .

Still hanging in there after another big blow-up . . . sort of

I guess it's been 3-4 weeks since this happened, but it was just too painful to write about, and there has been no time.  On any given week, my time is at a premium.  Thankfully, I have this week off (for what it is worth!) 

Anyway, the big blow-up came at the end of an extremely busy week for me, full of meetings, an exercise class (which I have decided I need to stay sane and healthy!), and "doing" for various family members.  I hadn't come straight home from work all week, but this is a given almost every week.  Hubby knows this.  It was Friday, and I was looking forward to the weekend.  I finally got home around 8:00 after cleaning my elderly father's house and then grocery shopping.  I was exhausted.  Hubby had texted me 2 hours before, asking where I was, as I had forgotten to call him, although I had told him the day before where I would be.  I thought all was well when I walked in the door.  But it wasn't.  He made a huge deal about "waiting every day" to eat dinner with me, and not knowing where I was.  Among other things, he also griped that I did "everyone else's laundry" but his.  (I had brought home my father's laundry to wash.  Yes, I feel hubby can do his own, since he does nothing else all day.)  He would not stop yelling, and finally said that we "may as well get a divorce, if you're never going to be home!"  All because I wasn't there for dinner?  By the way, he had plenty of ready-to-eat food in the fridge that he hadn't touched.

At that point, I left with nothing but my purse.  Went to my brother's, drank lots of wine, and slept on his couch.  Went back home Saturday afternoon and checked hubby's glucose monitor.  His sugar was not "off" during his yelling spree.  He told me later he "just wanted me to know he was mad," and that if I didn't want him to yell at me when I got home from now on, that I "shouldn't talk to him."  Really?  Never?  I didn't for about 3 days, choosing to e-mail him instead so he couldn't yell at me.  To this day, I haven't gotten an apology, and I know that I never will.  I also (e-mailed) him that if he truly wanted a divorce, to just let me know, and I would make alternative living arrangements.  He tried to say that I was the one who wanted the divorce, and I (e-mailed) him back, that no, it was in his court, and he would be making that decision.  I spent a lot of time trying to figure out if I could live year-round in our camper, and also looked at real estate ads for cheap houses...

Then he decided to be "nice" to me.  I'm not sure, but I think I scared him.  His "niceness" just didn't  feel real to me.  More like a charade, maybe so I wouldn't leave again?  He was on good behavior until Easter Sunday.  I had my family over, and he kept saying diggy, unkind things about me in the form of "jokes."  Even did it with my son over the phone.  He didn't seem to notice that no one else was laughing but him. 

Lately, a camper or a cheap house is looking better and better to me.  But I am still here.  Spending a lot of time in my basement "woman cave" and outdoors as the weather gets nicer... 

Thank God for family, friends, quiet lakes (as Diabetes Wife has discovered), and long walks.  Some days, they are the only things that keep me going. 

Cheers,

Lilly