Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Still hanging in there after another big blow-up . . . sort of

I guess it's been 3-4 weeks since this happened, but it was just too painful to write about, and there has been no time.  On any given week, my time is at a premium.  Thankfully, I have this week off (for what it is worth!) 

Anyway, the big blow-up came at the end of an extremely busy week for me, full of meetings, an exercise class (which I have decided I need to stay sane and healthy!), and "doing" for various family members.  I hadn't come straight home from work all week, but this is a given almost every week.  Hubby knows this.  It was Friday, and I was looking forward to the weekend.  I finally got home around 8:00 after cleaning my elderly father's house and then grocery shopping.  I was exhausted.  Hubby had texted me 2 hours before, asking where I was, as I had forgotten to call him, although I had told him the day before where I would be.  I thought all was well when I walked in the door.  But it wasn't.  He made a huge deal about "waiting every day" to eat dinner with me, and not knowing where I was.  Among other things, he also griped that I did "everyone else's laundry" but his.  (I had brought home my father's laundry to wash.  Yes, I feel hubby can do his own, since he does nothing else all day.)  He would not stop yelling, and finally said that we "may as well get a divorce, if you're never going to be home!"  All because I wasn't there for dinner?  By the way, he had plenty of ready-to-eat food in the fridge that he hadn't touched.

At that point, I left with nothing but my purse.  Went to my brother's, drank lots of wine, and slept on his couch.  Went back home Saturday afternoon and checked hubby's glucose monitor.  His sugar was not "off" during his yelling spree.  He told me later he "just wanted me to know he was mad," and that if I didn't want him to yell at me when I got home from now on, that I "shouldn't talk to him."  Really?  Never?  I didn't for about 3 days, choosing to e-mail him instead so he couldn't yell at me.  To this day, I haven't gotten an apology, and I know that I never will.  I also (e-mailed) him that if he truly wanted a divorce, to just let me know, and I would make alternative living arrangements.  He tried to say that I was the one who wanted the divorce, and I (e-mailed) him back, that no, it was in his court, and he would be making that decision.  I spent a lot of time trying to figure out if I could live year-round in our camper, and also looked at real estate ads for cheap houses...

Then he decided to be "nice" to me.  I'm not sure, but I think I scared him.  His "niceness" just didn't  feel real to me.  More like a charade, maybe so I wouldn't leave again?  He was on good behavior until Easter Sunday.  I had my family over, and he kept saying diggy, unkind things about me in the form of "jokes."  Even did it with my son over the phone.  He didn't seem to notice that no one else was laughing but him. 

Lately, a camper or a cheap house is looking better and better to me.  But I am still here.  Spending a lot of time in my basement "woman cave" and outdoors as the weather gets nicer... 

Thank God for family, friends, quiet lakes (as Diabetes Wife has discovered), and long walks.  Some days, they are the only things that keep me going. 




  1. Sorry to hear about that, Lilly. He sounds like an ass. Despite diabetes. Best your way.

  2. Thank you, Michael. I've come to the same conclusion.

  3. Lilly
    one of the most challenging problems of living with a diabetic spouse is determining whether diabetes is causing the poor behavior or the poor behavior is just inside the person.

    there is no way to know. But at the end of the day, you need to take care of yourself. I think all of us dream of living alone -- for some of us it could be more important than others
    ou have withdrawn from his "anger" more and more over time
    that seems to me like a healthy thing for you
    I wonder why you are letting him decide about divorce
    I am guessing there is a reason you want to give him that power
    because if you wanted to make that decision
    you can make it happen
    you have the strength to do it
    I believe in you
    you work
    it won't be easy
    but you have a support system
    maybe it would actually be easier
    because after your 70-hour week
    you won't have to come home to mean comments
    just a thought

  4. Dear Lilly
    You are such a rock. I love how you think, how you process life. I'm so glad that you just walk away. I am praying for you to stay strong. We both know it isn't always easy.

  5. Tom's Wife and Diabetes Wife,

    Again, thank you for your support. As for me giving hubby the power to decide if he wants me to leave: let's just say that once I was the person who was left behind, and another time I was the one who had to do the leaving. I don't want to have to make that decision again, unless I feel there is absolutely no choice left. It would actually be easier for me if he made that decision, for then I could leave with no guilt or regrets.

    Hugs to both of you,