Wednesday, July 4, 2012

New Beginnings

I am making plans to create an apartment for myself on the second floor of my dad's old farm house.  Much needs to be done to make this happen, and it is daunting, but exciting at the same time.  Also sad, as it means I will not be going back "home." 

I do still care about my husband, but know I can't live in the same house with him anymore.  I have had time to think about this: if his problems were all just physical, I would stay until the bitter end with no problem, as a part of me still loves him.  But all of the toxic emotional stuff he has directed toward me over the years . . . I can't continue to be victimized by that, whether it is diabetic-related, mental illness, lousy attitude, just plain rage, or whatever.  He cannot/will not change, so I have to. 

A very good friend of mine told me a few months ago that I was not the same person anymore, and she was right.  I need to get the "me that was" back, but make myself better and stronger.  I am starting to rediscover my passion for life, but still . . . the sadness is there.  I guess because I so wanted a way to make things work between my husband and myself.  So this is a new beginning with endless possibilities, but also an end to something I had passionately hoped for.

I am toying with the idea of a new "Starting Over" blog, but haven't made up my mind yet.  If I do, I will post the link here.

I have been noticing for awhile that several of the "spouse of diabetic" blogs I was following have not posted in a very long time.  Wonder what is happening with all of you?  Hopefully, you are all okay!



  1. Lilly!
    Congratulations and I'm sorry
    Happy that you have liberated yourself from the abuse.
    Sorry that you found yourself in this difficult situation.
    If you start a new blog, I will follow you there!

    I also worry about those who have not posted in awhile. Wishing to hear from them...

    Tom's Wife

  2. Lilly....just found this page/posting...please, please start the STARTING OVER blog....we need you...we need to read the ways other handle all adds to us if not makes us of luck on your barn can do it! Find yourself! TX DW

  3. I think a lot of the wives leave. Sad, but I totally understand. Good luck with your new place!!!

  4. I am back! Good for you, for doing something for YOU!!!! Like you said, it wasn't just the you are getting on with your life. HURRAY! HUGS and LOVE...and I will be better about being supportive. LOVE YA

  5. Glad to see your taking steps to better yourself! Good for you! I agree, if it was just medical related, as in my case, its a different story, but unfortunately it is not for you. So I am glad you are making the right decisions for your heart!

  6. I wish you the best. Emotional abuse can be as bad as physical, with less empathy from people, so it's important to recognize that you have to take care of yourself first ( you'd be amazed at how many people have told me that lately).

  7. I periodically check out your blog since I too had a diabetic spouse and can relate to many of your stories. I found this blog after a particularly ugly incident with my then diabetic wife and it was comforting to read your posts and find I was not alone. I too chose to leave with many of the mixed feelings you share here (particularly the non medical related rotten attitude). Life had been so much better for me since the split and I hope it will be for you as well. You left honorably knowing you did everything you reasonably could to make it work.

  8. Thank you, thank you, thank you to all of you with the supportive comments. And Matt, you well know the mixed feelings of leaving. I am still struggling with that, and think I will always feel sad that things could not have been different. On really bad days, I still feel some guilt, but can't imagine going back to what was. Hope you all are doing as well as you possibly can, whether you have chosen to stay or chosen to leave. I really do sympathize with both sides of the coin!