Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Response to Anonymous: Why do I Stay?

Anonymous commented...
"Why don't you complaining women of Diabetic husbands just get a divorce? I'm serious? Why are you staying?"
Anonymous, It took me awhile to post your very valid question, as I had to think about it for awhile.   If you have read some of the other posts from myself and others, you would have a partial answer.  However, I will try to explain as best I can (and I will only speak for myself here): - I am still in love with the man he was when we first got married.  We used to have a lot of fun, and laughter was a part of every day.  We had a deep love for each other.  Yes, there were some disagreements, but nothing like now.  I am greatly saddened by what diabetes and all its complications has taken away from our marriage. - There is a huge part of me that doesn't want to leave a chronically ill husband.  What kind of person does that make me if I do?  I knew that he had diabetes and the beginnings of kidney failure when we got married, and I chose to marry him anyway.  In retrospect, probably not the greatest life choice, but I did know that things would get worse.  I just didn't know how much worse that would be. - Another reason that I stay (that I am not proud of) is because of finances.  I could make it on my own if I left, but it would be very difficult, and I could probably never retire. I don't know if any of this will make sense to you, but I am willing to bet that many of the "wives of diabetics" who read this will understand at least some of what I am saying.  In the meantime, I'm (trying to) hang in there without losing myself.  Some days, it's much harder than others.  Will I continue to stay forever?  I don't have an answer for that.  Right now, it's one day at a time, and I do what I can to nurture myself so that I have the strength to go on. Lilly


  1. Lilly:

    Honestly, I've asked that myself a number of times when reading not only your blog, but others. But I'm looking at this from the D-Husband's perspective, and as someone who's been married to an incredible wife of my own now for nearly six years. Will things get worse? Most likely. No one knows how much. Is it naive to think we can endure it, and not lose out to the complications and negativity and "control" that could be ahead? Possibly so. But we remain optimistic and know those struggles are ahead, and do our best to communicate about them - offline first, and then through the incredible DOC. My friends offer support and open my eyes and allow me to grow as a person and diabetic; while the D-Spouse blogs such as yours allow me a window into what my own wife may be experiencing at some level. Then, we talk and deal. This is a whole new online world than we've had before, and maybe some of that connectivity and community support can salvage some relationships. Who knows. But regardless, it takes courage to write about this online and I think you for sharing these perspectives. I don't pretend to know what you and your man have endured in life, but I know from what I read here that the love you had remains - in some form, at the very least. And that is so very powerful and worth fighting for. You are awesome, and I certainly hope your husband knows that. God bless.

  2. Lilly,
    You are eloquent as usual.

    It sounds like you have heard from one of our critics.

    This person is entitled to an opinion -- but clearly has never been in our shoes.

    Why must this person use such accusatory words? "you complaining women"

    Marriage is not easy, but neither is divorce.
    Caring for an ill spouse - when that illness includes both physical and emotional components is extremely difficult. Compounded by the fact that the medical industry does not seem to even admit to the emotional component.

    Finally, if this person does not like to read about our "complaints" then the easy answer is to stop reading them.

    hang in there -- you can only take one day at a time -- take care of yourself and your kids

    we are all here for you.

  3. Michael and Tom's Wife,

    Thanks for the support. It means much!

    Just a quick note: we have no children at home, so it is just hubby and me. My son from a previous marriage is grown and living in another state. And no, divorce is not easy. I know from prior experience.


  4. Ive been married to my wife who has type 1 for a little over a year now. I've always struggled with her extreme moodiness and other issues (long before marriage) but suppose I have been naive to think they might change for the better (we are even in counseling). Some days are great but others are ugly. Trying my best to not let the ugly days out number the great ones but sometimes it seems impossible.

    Right now we don't have any kids or huge financial situations tying us together but I do take my marriage vow very seriously and feel guilty leaving someone with a chronic illness. On the other hand I don't know if I can put up with her extreme moodiness (especially if it becomes more frequent) let alone how to deal with kids and this situation? Decisions, Decisions? Thanks for posting your thought process coming from a somewhat similar situation.

  5. Anonymous,

    I have tried counseling with my hubby, to no good end. It always ends up badly, as he thinks the counselors, psychiatrists, psychotherapists, and even doctors don't like him and are ganging up on him. What happens is the minute anyone challenges his messed-up thinking, he goes on the defensive, and has to somehow make it their fault. It has been very disheartening, and has made it hard for me to hope for anything to change for the better.

    As far as kids: I have always been very grateful that we don't have children together. My son was out of the house before we got married. Personally, I can't even imagine bringing kids into this situation. I will probably bring your comment forward into a separate post, so that it doesn't get "lost" in the comments.

    Take care,