Not the man I married . . .

Tom's Wife recently made the comment that our husbands are no longer the men we married.  It also sounds as if some of us who are blogging about our diabetic husbands are in their 50's, which is also the age range of hubby and me.  Sadly, the "not the man I married" comment is so true!  Where do I start?

As his physical limitations have gotten worse, so has the depression and the sleeping for long periods of time.  When he is up, the conversation so often revolves around his physical problems, and how he is "sorry" he didn't get anything done (again) today.  Sex has gone by the wayside.  He likes to think that the meds he has been given to "fix" this problem help, but they don't.  Going anywhere is a crap shoot, as he can't walk very far, and I also I never know when he will have a "melt down" because his blood sugar is too high or too low.  We started the New Year with him literally screaming  in the car at me on the way home, because I told him (once again) he had embarrassed me in front of friends with inappropriate, angry comments.  He didn't want to hear that, so had to tell me everything "wrong" I have ever done . . . happy freaking New Year!  I gave up and quit talking, as it was going nowhere fast.  This is NOT the way I want to start 2010, but trying to reason with him (even when his sugar is within normal limits) has gotten very difficult.  There seems to be so much he just doesn't "get" anymore.

I am becoming more and more convinced that his brain has become damaged from all the high (and also maybe low?) blood sugars.  I also wonder about vascular dementia, but I have yet to get any of his doctors to do an expensive MRI to look for this.  I do know that he forgets much of what I tell him, and will angrily insist later that I never told him information that comes up later in conversation.  He also constantly disagrees with me about something I just said, and then will tell his version of it in different words, but it means the same as what I just told him!   I honestly don't know if he comprehends what he hears me say, or just doesn't listen to me anymore.  Dealing with the constant opposition is so exhausting.

I really have tried over the years to understand what it must be like to be in his shoes: to have a disease which is hard to control, and to always feel like you have to monitor.  Having your kidneys fail and having a transplant, then having to take all the heavy-duty meds in order not to go into rejection.  It must be terrifying for him.  At the same time, I want him to try to understand my concerns as well.  I feel very much isolated in that regard, as it always seems to be all about him.  His problems are always bigger than mine, if I am sick he is always sicker; I could go on and on . . .  

In the meantime, I have my own bedroom, which has become a haven of peace for me, with plenty of good books to read when I can't sleep.  With so much going on, sometimes sleep eludes me even though I am the only one in the bed.  Now, if I could just turn my mind off at night, I'd be all set.

Thank you, Tom's Wife, for reading and responding.  It really does help.