Where Has Everyone Gone?

Scanning the blogs that I used to follow: most have not posted anything in years (much like myself.) Hope you are all okay! You helped me at a time when I needed it the most. I hope I did the same for all of you. Positive energy and prayers to all of you . . . I will be posting more on my "Starting Over" blog at https://startingover3.blogspot.com

Love,

 Lilly

It has been a very long time since I posted here. A lot of the reasons for that are painful reminders, as a big part of me never forgave myself for leaving my diabetic hubby . . . even though I really, really knew I couldn't stay. Despite a divorce, I still loved the man I married, even if he wasn't "there" anymore, even after almost 6 years. My ex-husband died last month . . . alone, in his own bed, (hopefully) peacefully. Thankfully, he was found that evening. I was called by his family right away, as they all understood. I have cried a lot the past several weeks, as so much has been dredged up all over again. I still remember the good times as well as the bad. I feel I lost him 3 times: to diabetes/rage/mental illness, again when I had to leave, and finally now. I didn't realize it could still hurt this much, all over again . . .

Saving (and remembering) my experiences

I have decided to save, print, and re-read my blog entries.  Of the few I have read in the act of copying/pasting, I am often horrified that I continued to stay for as long as I did.  I think having a concrete record of this is important for me, as sometimes I feel so guilty for leaving . . . until I read some of the crazy things that I have survived! 

I have also been reminded of all those I have come in contact with throughout this crazy journey.  Many of you have gone through some major changes and trials.  I will be "catching up" on your blogs as time permits and commenting, as none of you have been forgotten.  Some of you are still hanging in there.  I understand both sides of the coin, and admire you all for your strength, whether that means staying or leaving.  Either way, it is not easy.

I am now living in my upstairs apartment, with 2 cats and a dog.  It is not the grandeur of my former home, but I have my own space and peace, which is more priceless than anything else I can imagine.  I also have friends around me who have been very supportive, and my own son told me this summer (when I was still living in the camper), that I would still be better off even if I were "living in a tent!"  I thanked him for his observation, and also told him I agreed with him.  

Do I still worry about hubby?  Absolutely, but I have also recently started divorce proceedings, as I need closure.

I will continue to "visit" from time to time, and I wish all of you well . . .

Take care,

Lilly

My New Blog

Well, I have finally taken the leap and created a new "Starting Over" blog.  Here is the link, for those of you who would like to follow it:

http://startingover3.blogspot.com/

Here's hoping there is still life after leaving . . . actually, I know there is! :-)

I am still tweaking the settings on it, as I don't remember everything I did to set up this one.  

Also, Diabetes Wife (please and thank you):

I know you had written quite some time ago about saving and printing your posts from your blog, as a record to keep for yourself.  Do you have any helpful hints for me on how to do this?  Since I no longer have to hide what I'm doing from hubby, I would really like to have a hard copy of this complicated journey.  Thinking it may be a good reminder!  

Cheers,

Lilly

Thank you, Tom's Wife!

Tom's Wife recently posted:

Thinking of Lilly

Hi Lilly
Today I was thinking of you (not sure why -- just did)
Hoping you are doing ok as you have made some big changes in your life in the last several months
You and DW got me started on this venture of blogging
and I am very grateful

you are a true role model -- if one were to read back through your old posts
one would read how much you have given (physically, emotionally, and everything else)
and then you realized that there was a limit

You tried so hard to make it work
but it takes two!

Tom and I had such a great afternoon yesterday
my situation is very different that yours
am I lucky?
am I at a different point and it will get worse later?
is it something else?

no one can tell

but this I know -- in my heart

you, Lilly, are a smart, strong, giving person
and I wish you the very best

Take good care...

Tom's Wife,
Again, thank you so much for "getting it," and not thinking less of me for making the decision to leave.  As it is, everyone close to our situation understands exactly why I am no longer living at home.  I am the one who still fears that some will think I left just because he was sick.  Thinking I need to get over myself about this, but on bad days I feel "broken," and I do still feel guilty.   However, I am no longer willing to be his verbal punching bag . . . although I do still worry about him.  Sadly, I can't fix him, and I am done trying.  On the rare occasions that we still speak, he will always tell me about his latest predicament or ailment, or that he "fell again" yesterday . . . why won't he use one of the 3 walkers that he has???   His bids for sympathy just make me angry, as it has gotten so old, and he seems to think that this will make me feel so sorry for him that I'll come back.

On good days, I am excited about the new start I am making.    I am not into the upstairs apartment I have been working on yet, but it is really starting to shape up.  It has been fun to carry out some of my ideas, and know that this is a space that is truly mine.  In the meantime, the camper meets most of my needs, even if it is a bit cramped.  As long as I can make my move before the snow flies, I will be happy.  Other things that I am enjoying: 

- Living peacefully, with no one screaming at me
- Freedom to do what I want when I want, with no negative comments
- Socializing with no fear of being embarrassed in public by his inappropriate behavior
- Bit by bit, I am working on rediscovering who I really am, as now I have the freedom to do that


So yes, I still struggle with conflicting feelings, but am growing stronger day by day.  Thank you everyone for your positive comments and support.  Hopefully, I have helped some of you on your own journey, whatever that may be. 

"A Diabetic Spouse" is Back!

Sandy,

Welcome back.  Hope that you are not slammed in the future for what you have to say on your blog.  If you've looked at mine, you may notice that things have changed tremendously for me . . .

Anyway, here is the comment that you left:

SandyJuly 12, 2012 4:17 PM

I am back :) I will post soon on why i was away. Please spread the word that I am back. lifeofadiabeticspouse.blogspot.com
Thanks!

Take care.   I hope all goes well for you and your hubby, and also that you found answers for your (nerve pain?)

Cheers,

Lilly

New Beginnings

I am making plans to create an apartment for myself on the second floor of my dad's old farm house.  Much needs to be done to make this happen, and it is daunting, but exciting at the same time.  Also sad, as it means I will not be going back "home." 

I do still care about my husband, but know I can't live in the same house with him anymore.  I have had time to think about this: if his problems were all just physical, I would stay until the bitter end with no problem, as a part of me still loves him.  But all of the toxic emotional stuff he has directed toward me over the years . . . I can't continue to be victimized by that, whether it is diabetic-related, mental illness, lousy attitude, just plain rage, or whatever.  He cannot/will not change, so I have to. 

A very good friend of mine told me a few months ago that I was not the same person anymore, and she was right.  I need to get the "me that was" back, but make myself better and stronger.  I am starting to rediscover my passion for life, but still . . . the sadness is there.  I guess because I so wanted a way to make things work between my husband and myself.  So this is a new beginning with endless possibilities, but also an end to something I had passionately hoped for.

I am toying with the idea of a new "Starting Over" blog, but haven't made up my mind yet.  If I do, I will post the link here.

I have been noticing for awhile that several of the "spouse of diabetic" blogs I was following have not posted in a very long time.  Wonder what is happening with all of you?  Hopefully, you are all okay!