Sitting here in my little home away from home, listening to the frogs, the peepers, and the birds singing their evening song. So peaceful and healing. Did I ever write that my husband actually gets angry at the birds when they wake him up in the morning? One of the reasons he will no longer open the windows, I guess. I can't imagine. To me, going to bed and waking up hearing the birds, etc. is a luxury.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Musings
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Peace
Sitting quietly in the camper, with all the windows open. Enjoying the breeze, and listening to the birds and "peepers" singing outside. If I were still home, all the windows would have to be closed, the AC would be on, and the TV would be blaring. There is so much to be said for peace . . .
Monday, April 30, 2012
Change in Circumstances
Well, I am now living in the camper. Long story, but more of the same old stuff. Of course, it is "all my fault." Too drained to even cry right now. Should I be angry, relieved, or just plain sad? I'm feeling all of those, and more. For now, I am working on making my own secure "nest." Not sure what will come next. One step (and one day) at a time . . .
Cheers,
Lilly
Cheers,
Lilly
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Things to be thankful for
First of all, thank you for your comments on my last post. Although I don't "know" my internet friends face to face, I do still consider you friends . . . and very much appreciate your support. It helps tremendously.
Tom's Wife, you are correct that I have choices, and could make it on my own if I absolutely had to. Thank you for your faith in me. Diabetes Wife and Michael, thank you for your support as well. I have responded to all your comments on my previous post. I also have a friend I can actually talk to face to face, and she has pointed out some other choices I have besides just walking out and not coming back, as I'm not sure I'm ready to do that just yet . . .
I have already spoken to my brother about leaving some essentials at his house if I feel the need to sleep on his couch again. I will be getting those things together this coming week. That way, I know I will have what I need for work the next day, etc. Thank God he is supportive, and "gets" what is going on.
As the weather is getting warmer, I am spending more time outdoors. We have a wonderful deck in the back yard. Hubby never goes out there. A few days ago, I quietly went out to the deck and ate dinner on my own after he started grousing at me for not "letting him know" that I would be back in time for dinner. I took a family member to an appointment and got home earlier than I had planned. By the way, he had already gotten himself dinner; maybe he just wanted to complain? The peace and quiet while watching and listening to our backyard birds and watching our dog happily romp around the yard was awesome. When I finished eating, I swept the deck, pulled some weeds, and arranged our (well-used but still functional) outdoor furniture to my liking. I stayed out there until it was dark, and enjoyed every minute. I'm now thinking about how I may be able to build a simple, inexpensive fire pit in the back yard as well.
I'm also very fortunate to have a mostly finished basement. He almost never goes to the basement, as it is hard for him to navigate the stairs. With a few inexpensive, finishing touches, I could have an "apartment" down here with pretty much all but a bathroom. I have often referred to the basement as my "woman cave," and it really is. Most self-nurturing, indoor activities that I do at home are centered in the basement. He has often made me feel guilty for spending so much time there, but I'm not going to allow him that power anymore. What he sees as my "selfishness" is my recipe for maintaining my sanity.
I quietly moved a used microwave down here today that had been languishing in our garage. Was able to eat a simple dinner by myself in comparative peace tonight, as he was upstairs ranting about life in general. (Oh, by the way, our freezer is in the basement too and I already have a little coffee maker as well!) He's in no danger of starving, as the upstairs refrigerator is well stocked.
After sleeping for a solid 2 days and 2 nights, he got up around 3 this afternoon and was very nasty to me, saying I should have woken him up. Honestly??? Isn't that his job? Then he said his sugar level was at 75. When I told him to eat something, he said no, he didn't feel like it, and if he didn't, maybe he could just die and make everyone happy. Wow, how to respond to that? I didn't try, but did move myself downstairs.
He hasn't passed out, so I know he got himself something.
Thinking I will be shopping for a small refrigerator next. If this arrangement doesn't work, there is always our camper, which could be set up elsewhere. May sound crazy, but it's nice to know that at least I do have some choices . . .
Tom's Wife, you are correct that I have choices, and could make it on my own if I absolutely had to. Thank you for your faith in me. Diabetes Wife and Michael, thank you for your support as well. I have responded to all your comments on my previous post. I also have a friend I can actually talk to face to face, and she has pointed out some other choices I have besides just walking out and not coming back, as I'm not sure I'm ready to do that just yet . . .
I have already spoken to my brother about leaving some essentials at his house if I feel the need to sleep on his couch again. I will be getting those things together this coming week. That way, I know I will have what I need for work the next day, etc. Thank God he is supportive, and "gets" what is going on.
As the weather is getting warmer, I am spending more time outdoors. We have a wonderful deck in the back yard. Hubby never goes out there. A few days ago, I quietly went out to the deck and ate dinner on my own after he started grousing at me for not "letting him know" that I would be back in time for dinner. I took a family member to an appointment and got home earlier than I had planned. By the way, he had already gotten himself dinner; maybe he just wanted to complain? The peace and quiet while watching and listening to our backyard birds and watching our dog happily romp around the yard was awesome. When I finished eating, I swept the deck, pulled some weeds, and arranged our (well-used but still functional) outdoor furniture to my liking. I stayed out there until it was dark, and enjoyed every minute. I'm now thinking about how I may be able to build a simple, inexpensive fire pit in the back yard as well.
I'm also very fortunate to have a mostly finished basement. He almost never goes to the basement, as it is hard for him to navigate the stairs. With a few inexpensive, finishing touches, I could have an "apartment" down here with pretty much all but a bathroom. I have often referred to the basement as my "woman cave," and it really is. Most self-nurturing, indoor activities that I do at home are centered in the basement. He has often made me feel guilty for spending so much time there, but I'm not going to allow him that power anymore. What he sees as my "selfishness" is my recipe for maintaining my sanity.
I quietly moved a used microwave down here today that had been languishing in our garage. Was able to eat a simple dinner by myself in comparative peace tonight, as he was upstairs ranting about life in general. (Oh, by the way, our freezer is in the basement too and I already have a little coffee maker as well!) He's in no danger of starving, as the upstairs refrigerator is well stocked.
After sleeping for a solid 2 days and 2 nights, he got up around 3 this afternoon and was very nasty to me, saying I should have woken him up. Honestly??? Isn't that his job? Then he said his sugar level was at 75. When I told him to eat something, he said no, he didn't feel like it, and if he didn't, maybe he could just die and make everyone happy. Wow, how to respond to that? I didn't try, but did move myself downstairs.
He hasn't passed out, so I know he got himself something.
Thinking I will be shopping for a small refrigerator next. If this arrangement doesn't work, there is always our camper, which could be set up elsewhere. May sound crazy, but it's nice to know that at least I do have some choices . . .
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Still hanging in there after another big blow-up . . . sort of
I guess it's been 3-4 weeks since this happened, but it was just too painful to write about, and there has been no time. On any given week, my time is at a premium. Thankfully, I have this week off (for what it is worth!)
Anyway, the big blow-up came at the end of an extremely busy week for me, full of meetings, an exercise class (which I have decided I need to stay sane and healthy!), and "doing" for various family members. I hadn't come straight home from work all week, but this is a given almost every week. Hubby knows this. It was Friday, and I was looking forward to the weekend. I finally got home around 8:00 after cleaning my elderly father's house and then grocery shopping. I was exhausted. Hubby had texted me 2 hours before, asking where I was, as I had forgotten to call him, although I had told him the day before where I would be. I thought all was well when I walked in the door. But it wasn't. He made a huge deal about "waiting every day" to eat dinner with me, and not knowing where I was. Among other things, he also griped that I did "everyone else's laundry" but his. (I had brought home my father's laundry to wash. Yes, I feel hubby can do his own, since he does nothing else all day.) He would not stop yelling, and finally said that we "may as well get a divorce, if you're never going to be home!" All because I wasn't there for dinner? By the way, he had plenty of ready-to-eat food in the fridge that he hadn't touched.
At that point, I left with nothing but my purse. Went to my brother's, drank lots of wine, and slept on his couch. Went back home Saturday afternoon and checked hubby's glucose monitor. His sugar was not "off" during his yelling spree. He told me later he "just wanted me to know he was mad," and that if I didn't want him to yell at me when I got home from now on, that I "shouldn't talk to him." Really? Never? I didn't for about 3 days, choosing to e-mail him instead so he couldn't yell at me. To this day, I haven't gotten an apology, and I know that I never will. I also (e-mailed) him that if he truly wanted a divorce, to just let me know, and I would make alternative living arrangements. He tried to say that I was the one who wanted the divorce, and I (e-mailed) him back, that no, it was in his court, and he would be making that decision. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out if I could live year-round in our camper, and also looked at real estate ads for cheap houses...
Then he decided to be "nice" to me. I'm not sure, but I think I scared him. His "niceness" just didn't feel real to me. More like a charade, maybe so I wouldn't leave again? He was on good behavior until Easter Sunday. I had my family over, and he kept saying diggy, unkind things about me in the form of "jokes." Even did it with my son over the phone. He didn't seem to notice that no one else was laughing but him.
Lately, a camper or a cheap house is looking better and better to me. But I am still here. Spending a lot of time in my basement "woman cave" and outdoors as the weather gets nicer...
Thank God for family, friends, quiet lakes (as Diabetes Wife has discovered), and long walks. Some days, they are the only things that keep me going.
Cheers,
Lilly
Anyway, the big blow-up came at the end of an extremely busy week for me, full of meetings, an exercise class (which I have decided I need to stay sane and healthy!), and "doing" for various family members. I hadn't come straight home from work all week, but this is a given almost every week. Hubby knows this. It was Friday, and I was looking forward to the weekend. I finally got home around 8:00 after cleaning my elderly father's house and then grocery shopping. I was exhausted. Hubby had texted me 2 hours before, asking where I was, as I had forgotten to call him, although I had told him the day before where I would be. I thought all was well when I walked in the door. But it wasn't. He made a huge deal about "waiting every day" to eat dinner with me, and not knowing where I was. Among other things, he also griped that I did "everyone else's laundry" but his. (I had brought home my father's laundry to wash. Yes, I feel hubby can do his own, since he does nothing else all day.) He would not stop yelling, and finally said that we "may as well get a divorce, if you're never going to be home!" All because I wasn't there for dinner? By the way, he had plenty of ready-to-eat food in the fridge that he hadn't touched.
At that point, I left with nothing but my purse. Went to my brother's, drank lots of wine, and slept on his couch. Went back home Saturday afternoon and checked hubby's glucose monitor. His sugar was not "off" during his yelling spree. He told me later he "just wanted me to know he was mad," and that if I didn't want him to yell at me when I got home from now on, that I "shouldn't talk to him." Really? Never? I didn't for about 3 days, choosing to e-mail him instead so he couldn't yell at me. To this day, I haven't gotten an apology, and I know that I never will. I also (e-mailed) him that if he truly wanted a divorce, to just let me know, and I would make alternative living arrangements. He tried to say that I was the one who wanted the divorce, and I (e-mailed) him back, that no, it was in his court, and he would be making that decision. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out if I could live year-round in our camper, and also looked at real estate ads for cheap houses...
Then he decided to be "nice" to me. I'm not sure, but I think I scared him. His "niceness" just didn't feel real to me. More like a charade, maybe so I wouldn't leave again? He was on good behavior until Easter Sunday. I had my family over, and he kept saying diggy, unkind things about me in the form of "jokes." Even did it with my son over the phone. He didn't seem to notice that no one else was laughing but him.
Lately, a camper or a cheap house is looking better and better to me. But I am still here. Spending a lot of time in my basement "woman cave" and outdoors as the weather gets nicer...
Thank God for family, friends, quiet lakes (as Diabetes Wife has discovered), and long walks. Some days, they are the only things that keep me going.
Cheers,
Lilly
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Common sense?
Jonah commented on my last post. He has a brother with brain damage/manic depression (bipolar disorder), and made this observation about his brother:
"If he has a ridiculous idea (for example, if he tells me that I used to be purple or that he has heard dogs speaking to him) it's best to just say "wow, I had no idea" and leave it at that."
Thank you Jonah, if it is only for reminding me that I just may not be able to reason with my hubby, period. I have wondered more than once if my husband might be bipolar, as there is some history of it in the family. I am always one who wants things to make sense, and they so often don't with my husband. So, if he won't/can't change (except for the worse), I guess that means I will have to? Sometimes, it really is better to just let it go. I try hard to remember that . . . thank God for friends who are sane!
"If he has a ridiculous idea (for example, if he tells me that I used to be purple or that he has heard dogs speaking to him) it's best to just say "wow, I had no idea" and leave it at that."
Thank you Jonah, if it is only for reminding me that I just may not be able to reason with my hubby, period. I have wondered more than once if my husband might be bipolar, as there is some history of it in the family. I am always one who wants things to make sense, and they so often don't with my husband. So, if he won't/can't change (except for the worse), I guess that means I will have to? Sometimes, it really is better to just let it go. I try hard to remember that . . . thank God for friends who are sane!
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Brain Atrophy and Type II Diabetes
Just found another study, done in Pakistan and published in 2010, that links brain atrophy and Type II Diabetes. Here is the link:
http://www.ayubmed.edu.pk/JAMC/PAST/22-2/Ghayyur.pdf
Well worth the read. I cannot copy/paste the text here, as it is in PDF file.
Farther down in the article, it also mentions Type 1s and similar findings, and references the article I posted about a year ago. Here is the link for that one:
Brain Atrophy, Lesions Found in Type 1 Diabetics; May Indicate Cognitive Impairment in Diabetics Begins Early
This is scary stuff. It seems that if you have diabetes, chances are "good" that you will also be "blessed" with brain atrophy. It is still not totally understood why, although there are some hypotheses out there. Given my crazy evening with hubby last night, I'm pretty sure that is what is happening to him, and also pretty sure that I have witnessed at least one "mini-stroke" or TIA, that he would NOT acknowledge or tell his doctor about.
Last night, he was just mean, nasty, yelling about some things that didn't make sense, and even threatening divorce. I had to leave. Spent the night at my brother's house for some much needed nurturance and peace. Planning on returning home later today, but it is so hard . . . how do you reason with (or leave, or even stay with) someone who probably has brain damage?
http://www.ayubmed.edu.pk/JAMC/PAST/22-2/Ghayyur.pdf
Well worth the read. I cannot copy/paste the text here, as it is in PDF file.
Farther down in the article, it also mentions Type 1s and similar findings, and references the article I posted about a year ago. Here is the link for that one:
Brain Atrophy, Lesions Found in Type 1 Diabetics; May Indicate Cognitive Impairment in Diabetics Begins Early
This is scary stuff. It seems that if you have diabetes, chances are "good" that you will also be "blessed" with brain atrophy. It is still not totally understood why, although there are some hypotheses out there. Given my crazy evening with hubby last night, I'm pretty sure that is what is happening to him, and also pretty sure that I have witnessed at least one "mini-stroke" or TIA, that he would NOT acknowledge or tell his doctor about.
Last night, he was just mean, nasty, yelling about some things that didn't make sense, and even threatening divorce. I had to leave. Spent the night at my brother's house for some much needed nurturance and peace. Planning on returning home later today, but it is so hard . . . how do you reason with (or leave, or even stay with) someone who probably has brain damage?
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