Saving (and remembering) my experiences

I have decided to save, print, and re-read my blog entries.  Of the few I have read in the act of copying/pasting, I am often horrified that I continued to stay for as long as I did.  I think having a concrete record of this is important for me, as sometimes I feel so guilty for leaving . . . until I read some of the crazy things that I have survived! 

I have also been reminded of all those I have come in contact with throughout this crazy journey.  Many of you have gone through some major changes and trials.  I will be "catching up" on your blogs as time permits and commenting, as none of you have been forgotten.  Some of you are still hanging in there.  I understand both sides of the coin, and admire you all for your strength, whether that means staying or leaving.  Either way, it is not easy.

I am now living in my upstairs apartment, with 2 cats and a dog.  It is not the grandeur of my former home, but I have my own space and peace, which is more priceless than anything else I can imagine.  I also have friends around me who have been very supportive, and my own son told me this summer (when I was still living in the camper), that I would still be better off even if I were "living in a tent!"  I thanked him for his observation, and also told him I agreed with him.  

Do I still worry about hubby?  Absolutely, but I have also recently started divorce proceedings, as I need closure.

I will continue to "visit" from time to time, and I wish all of you well . . .

Take care,

Lilly

My New Blog

Well, I have finally taken the leap and created a new "Starting Over" blog.  Here is the link, for those of you who would like to follow it:

http://startingover3.blogspot.com/

Here's hoping there is still life after leaving . . . actually, I know there is! :-)

I am still tweaking the settings on it, as I don't remember everything I did to set up this one.  

Also, Diabetes Wife (please and thank you):

I know you had written quite some time ago about saving and printing your posts from your blog, as a record to keep for yourself.  Do you have any helpful hints for me on how to do this?  Since I no longer have to hide what I'm doing from hubby, I would really like to have a hard copy of this complicated journey.  Thinking it may be a good reminder!  

Cheers,

Lilly

Thank you, Tom's Wife!

Tom's Wife recently posted:

Thinking of Lilly

Hi Lilly
Today I was thinking of you (not sure why -- just did)
Hoping you are doing ok as you have made some big changes in your life in the last several months
You and DW got me started on this venture of blogging
and I am very grateful

you are a true role model -- if one were to read back through your old posts
one would read how much you have given (physically, emotionally, and everything else)
and then you realized that there was a limit

You tried so hard to make it work
but it takes two!

Tom and I had such a great afternoon yesterday
my situation is very different that yours
am I lucky?
am I at a different point and it will get worse later?
is it something else?

no one can tell

but this I know -- in my heart

you, Lilly, are a smart, strong, giving person
and I wish you the very best

Take good care...

Tom's Wife,
Again, thank you so much for "getting it," and not thinking less of me for making the decision to leave.  As it is, everyone close to our situation understands exactly why I am no longer living at home.  I am the one who still fears that some will think I left just because he was sick.  Thinking I need to get over myself about this, but on bad days I feel "broken," and I do still feel guilty.   However, I am no longer willing to be his verbal punching bag . . . although I do still worry about him.  Sadly, I can't fix him, and I am done trying.  On the rare occasions that we still speak, he will always tell me about his latest predicament or ailment, or that he "fell again" yesterday . . . why won't he use one of the 3 walkers that he has???   His bids for sympathy just make me angry, as it has gotten so old, and he seems to think that this will make me feel so sorry for him that I'll come back.

On good days, I am excited about the new start I am making.    I am not into the upstairs apartment I have been working on yet, but it is really starting to shape up.  It has been fun to carry out some of my ideas, and know that this is a space that is truly mine.  In the meantime, the camper meets most of my needs, even if it is a bit cramped.  As long as I can make my move before the snow flies, I will be happy.  Other things that I am enjoying: 

- Living peacefully, with no one screaming at me
- Freedom to do what I want when I want, with no negative comments
- Socializing with no fear of being embarrassed in public by his inappropriate behavior
- Bit by bit, I am working on rediscovering who I really am, as now I have the freedom to do that


So yes, I still struggle with conflicting feelings, but am growing stronger day by day.  Thank you everyone for your positive comments and support.  Hopefully, I have helped some of you on your own journey, whatever that may be. 

"A Diabetic Spouse" is Back!

Sandy,

Welcome back.  Hope that you are not slammed in the future for what you have to say on your blog.  If you've looked at mine, you may notice that things have changed tremendously for me . . .

Anyway, here is the comment that you left:

SandyJuly 12, 2012 4:17 PM

I am back :) I will post soon on why i was away. Please spread the word that I am back. lifeofadiabeticspouse.blogspot.com
Thanks!

Take care.   I hope all goes well for you and your hubby, and also that you found answers for your (nerve pain?)

Cheers,

Lilly

New Beginnings

I am making plans to create an apartment for myself on the second floor of my dad's old farm house.  Much needs to be done to make this happen, and it is daunting, but exciting at the same time.  Also sad, as it means I will not be going back "home." 

I do still care about my husband, but know I can't live in the same house with him anymore.  I have had time to think about this: if his problems were all just physical, I would stay until the bitter end with no problem, as a part of me still loves him.  But all of the toxic emotional stuff he has directed toward me over the years . . . I can't continue to be victimized by that, whether it is diabetic-related, mental illness, lousy attitude, just plain rage, or whatever.  He cannot/will not change, so I have to. 

A very good friend of mine told me a few months ago that I was not the same person anymore, and she was right.  I need to get the "me that was" back, but make myself better and stronger.  I am starting to rediscover my passion for life, but still . . . the sadness is there.  I guess because I so wanted a way to make things work between my husband and myself.  So this is a new beginning with endless possibilities, but also an end to something I had passionately hoped for.

I am toying with the idea of a new "Starting Over" blog, but haven't made up my mind yet.  If I do, I will post the link here.

I have been noticing for awhile that several of the "spouse of diabetic" blogs I was following have not posted in a very long time.  Wonder what is happening with all of you?  Hopefully, you are all okay!





 

I'm still here . . .

I have been gone now for 6 weeks.  Hubby still doesn't get that I don't plan on coming back home . . . other than to get the rest of my things.  He keeps sabotaging my attempts to move my things (probably because that is too final?), but for now I have what I need.  And honestly, if I get everything now, I'll have to find a place to store it.

A couple of interesting things, though:

My allergies (which are usually so horrible, I have to get shots for them every week) have calmed right down.  I am going for shots every 2 weeks, and am doing better than I've done in years.  And that's on a farm, which has all kinds of things I'm allergic to.  When I looked up "stress and allergies," there apparently is a correlation.  I am living proof.  I had no idea. 

I am also sleeping better than I have in years (unless of course, it's one of those nights when I wake up, and start worrying about how he is doing!)

And finally, the dog . . . I got her a week after I left, telling him I was worried she would not get any exercise without me there.  Miraculously, he let me take her.  Exercise was only part of my concern, as I knew he would sleep all day and not let her out . . . and I wasn't coming home anymore after work to rescue her.  Anyway, she lost 13 pounds in 3 weeks!  I got scared and thought she was dying, although she seemed to be doing fine every other way.  When I took her to the vet, she had gone from 90 pounds down to 77.  They looked at me, pointed to her, and said, "That's what she's supposed to look like!"  For 10 years, they have been telling hubby that her joints were getting stressed out from the extra weight, and he would argue with them that he "didn't feed her that much people food."  Actually, I knew better, as she got some of whatever he was having, whenever he ate it.  They also noticed she was no longer moving like she was lame and stiff.  Woo hoo, I did the right thing by taking her!  She has a large farm on which to run all over the place, no more junk food, and she is doing great.  She's also great company for me.  Isn't it sad that he was even affecting the dog's well-being?  Oh well, one day at a time . . .

Lilly

Musings

Sitting here in my little home away from home, listening to the frogs, the peepers, and the birds singing their evening song.  So peaceful and healing.  Did I ever write that my husband actually gets angry at the birds when they wake him up in the morning?  One of the reasons he will no longer open the windows, I guess.  I can't imagine.  To me, going to bed and waking up hearing the birds, etc. is a luxury. 

I have missed my cats, my house, my basement woman cave, my flowers which are now blooming in our yard, and our beautiful deck which was another getaway for me.  I have not missed hubby and all the drama.  Does that make me an absolutely horrible person?