Saturday, November 19, 2011

Response to Anonymous with Diabetic Wife

Anonymous commented on a post from awhile back on "Why Do I Stay?"  I have brought it forward from the comments section so that it doesn't get "lost" as comments so often do:

"Ive been married to my wife who has type 1 for a little over a year now. I've always struggled with her extreme moodiness and other issues (long before marriage) but suppose I have been naive to think they might change for the better (we are even in counseling). Some days are great but others are ugly. Trying my best to not let the ugly days out number the great ones but sometimes it seems impossible. Right now we don't have any kids or huge financial situations tying us together but I do take my marriage vow very seriously and feel guilty leaving someone with a chronic illness. On the other hand I don't know if I can put up with her extreme moodiness (especially if it becomes more frequent) let alone how to deal with kids and this situation? Decisions, Decisions? Thanks for posting your thought process coming from a somewhat similar situation."
Dearest Anonymous,

Thank you for your responses.  It is kind of rare that we get men with diabetic wives commenting on here, and it's good to be reminded that this world of diabetes can go both ways.

I have tried counseling with my hubby, to no good end. It always ends up badly, as he thinks the counselors, psychiatrists, psychotherapists, and even doctors don't like him and are ganging up on him, and he usually starts yelling.  There have been a couple of lucid times when he "gets it" for the moment, but unfortunately it never lasts.  What happens is the minute anyone challenges his messed-up thinking, he goes on the defensive, and has to somehow make it their fault. It has been very disheartening, and has made it hard for me to hope for anything to change for the better.  I ask myself almost every day how long I can do this.  I am truly sorry to be so negative, as I know you are searching for answers.

As far as kids: I have always been very grateful that we don't have children together. My son was out of the house before we got married, and my spouse never had children.  Personally, I can't even imagine bringing kids into this situation, but I also know some of my younger readers do have children and/or are trying to have them.  Any comments on raising children with a diabetic spouse would be appreciated.

In the meantime, Anonymous, enjoy your kayaking (which you mentioned in another comment).  It helps . . . just be careful!

Take care,



  1. I, too, have no kids. But frankly, I agree with Lilly, in that my advice is to give this careful consideration.

    Two quotes in your letter caught my attention and concern me:

    1-- you are married a little more than a year and the "moodiness" is getting worse


    2 -- you feel guilty leaving a chronically ill person

    My opinion is that these are not good signs for a young marriage.

    do you want to live your life in guilt?
    hoping her moodiness will get better is life expecting a dog to act like a cat -- it could happen but its not likely

    I think you will find that most of us on this site address these two challenges -- but we did not see them when we were first married -- they came later.

    One of the challenges of Diabetes is that no one seems to understand the relationship between the physical and the emotional parts of the disease. We spouses have theories but the scientists don't appear to address it.

    If you choose to stay, you are staying because you love her and want to help her get past these challenges -- and together you want to find a way so she is not so unhappy (that's what the "moodiness" is).

    If you choose to leave, it is because no matter what you do, you cannot fix her without her taking responsibility for herself.

    There is no right or wrong, its just one of life's very difficult decisions that you have to make and we here support you. You are facing the challenges and life early. the longer you wait the more difficult it gets because life just gets more complicated.

    keep us posted.

  2. Thanks for the response. I can relate to my wife accusing our counselor of unfairly ganging up on her. The hard part for me has often been distinguishing between when she is being ugly toward me because of her blood sugar or just plain old being ugly towards me because of her natural temperament.

    Honestly I don't care where it comes from anymore and I have let her know I will NOT stand for certain behaviors (name calling, extreme snappish attitude, even throwing things). I also have stopped myself from becoming her enabler of certain things and have taken to telling her NO when I think she has asked something unfair of me. I understand that being married to a diabetic presents unique challenges and I need to sacrifice some things and be forgiving but our relationship seems to have passed that.

    I've been using counseling to try and help us navigate through this (but to be honest it has been having limit success and I almost feel like I am going through these motions to prove that I did everything possible to save our marriage). As much bad mouthing as I have done here I really do love her and we sometimes have great times together. The one thing that keeps me going is knowing that I will NOT deal with these negative issues the rest of my life, either we will change for the better through counseling (which I continue to hope for) or I will rip off the bandage and get divorced (which will sting at first but eventually be for the better). Thanks for providing me an outlet to rant!

  3. We ALL need an outlet to rant . . . I think for many of us, that was why we started blogging!

    I can very much relate to trying to figure out whether the impossible behavior is because my husband's blood sugars are messed up, or it's just his temperament, as it can be either one. Either way, it's never fun.

    I also totally agree with Tom's Wife that the longer you wait, the harder it gets. This would certainly be compounded if children were involved.

    Take care,


  4. While I am a little late to respond... Adding kids to the mix SUCKS! I have 2 sets of twins (4.5 & 2). It is VERY hard to explain to any of the kids why "now" is not a good time to play with Daddy. Or explaining why Daddy is yelling for no apparent reason. I have asked my self everyday is staying with my DH hurt my kids. Is it showing them a type of behavior that is acceptable. One (of few) reasons that I continue to stay is because when my DH is having a "good" day he is a great Dad, but if we were to divovce, I'm not sure I would want him alone with the kids for too long because who know what kind of mood he will be in. If he's not sleeping he's complaining about something or just plain ole yelling about nothing! I feel very confident that if we did not have children, I would have left by now. We are both in couseling (separately not together) for "our own" issues. OF course he does't realize that HE is my issue! :)

    I have my plan in motion and honestly don't plan on being together for much longer. Sad to say but i feel that I have done everything I could to fight for our marriage, but i refuse to be miserable for as long as he lives.

  5. Dear Anonymous "with the twins":

    Good to hear from you, even if it's to say that life is hard right now. I can very much understand you not wanting hubby to be alone with the kids for very long. How could you possibly explain to them why Daddy "goes crazy"? They are so young!

    Just know that I am rooting for you, and praying that your plans work out for you very soon.



  6. Thanks for all the responses to my original post. Well I finally did it, I left and and have informed her I want a divorce.

    Last weekend things came to a head when she began screaming at me then escalated things to throwing all of my belongings in a pile (breaking a number of items in the process) and telling me she wanted me out! An hour later she calmed down, apologized and tried to place everything back (I don't even think she had high blood sugar when this happened). I told her I was not comfortable living there anymore (especially since similar things had happened in the past and counseling didnt seem to be working). The next morning I rented a truck and got all of my stuff out and put it in storage while I live away from her and look for a new apartment.

    I can't imagine what it would have been like to continue in this deeper with shared assets like buying a house and especially having kids! I feel for all of you who are in that situation and have respect for those of you who continue to stay and understand why others HAVE to leave. Marriage is suppose to be "through good and bad" and I so wanted to be there for her because she has had a tough life and of course Diabetes must be hard to live with but this literally became an impossibility and was driving me INSANE!

    I really hope that she can overcome her anger management issues which obviously extend far beyond her type 1 diabetes. I just want us both to have a happy life and that obviously was not happening together.

    Good luck to all of you with a similar situation. It's hard but each of us has to ask "Will my continuing in this relationship be for the better good of all involved and still maintain some sense of sanity"?

  7. Wow, sounds like she made it easy for you to leave! Wishing you the very best. Thinking you deserve better. Good for you that you were able to make the decision NOW rather than later.

    Take care,