Saturday, June 25, 2011

More on what the hell am I doing . . .

Hubby had an appointment with his psychiatrist a couple nights ago.  He has been scheduling them in the evening so that I can go.  I came home from work, got dinner ready, and all was well until he plopped his plate down on the floor for the dog to lick off.  (Yuck, I do NOT like him doing this, but after more than one heated discussion about it, I gave up, and just scour all dishes really well). 

All I did was ask him to wait until the dog got done (probably less than 20 seconds; she's a big dog), and then pick it up and put it in the sink.  His usual thing is to plop it in the entry way, walk away, and leave it until I either trip over it on my way out the door, or see it and pick it up.  Once again, it was like I had lit a match to gasoline.  He got all pissed off because he had to stand there and wait, and started yelling at me with liberal use of the "F" word.  He also said it was ME who always leaves the plates there.  Not true.  He then came back into the living room, saying he didn't know why I had to always get him all upset before these appointments, and stomped off to his computer.  My response: "You're kidding, right?"  No, he wasn't, and he started yelling and swearing all over again. 

By this time, my heart was pounding, and I'm thinking: what is his crazy behavior doing to me physically?  I already know it is trashing me emotionally.  He could not stop being nasty, so I told him to go to the appointment by himself, which is about 30 minutes away.  I did NOT want to be in the same vehicle with him that long.  He would not take no for an answer.  When I once again told him I was not going, he still insisted I go, but then said he wanted to drive.  I told him there was no way.  After much "crap" from him about this, he said I could drive if I would go.  At this point, it was obvious he was not going without me, and my thought was: his psychiatrist really needs to see this off the wall behavior.  So I took him there.  He did actually check his blood sugar before we left without me asking, and it was at 151.  NOT high enough to account for the way he was acting. 

He said he would not talk to me on the trip there (which was just fine with me!), but of course he did.  I lightly braked for an animal in the road; he screamed at me for not giving him warning.  I adjusted the temperature control; he screamed at me because I didn't do it right.  I also was not driving "his" vehicle the right way.  Wonderful, wonderful 30 minutes. 

When we got to the psychiatrist's, I let her know what had gone on before we got there.  He then started yelling at both of us, and blaming his behavior on me, on the fact he had had to get up early (instead of his usual 2 or 3 in the afternoon) to do blood work that morning, and also that because he had to do bloodwork he was not "on schedule" with his medication.  None of it really made any sense, and so much of what he was saying just made it very obvious that there was a lot of disordered thinking going on.  He also went off on a tangent that it was my fault that he never takes his medication when he should, because I have told him it is "his responsibility" to get up in the morning, and he "can't" get up on his own.  This also made no sense, as I had been at work all day, and he had actually taken his meds earlier than usual.  He also manages to get up in the morning when he has to for appointments and other things. 

The psychiatrist tried to explain to him that he needed to space his 3 doses of anti-anxiety meds out over a 24 hour period to get the full effect, and he was having none of that.  He argued (still yelling) with her, saying that he takes them at 3 hour intervals starting at 3:00 in the afternoon, which is about the time he gets up most days.  About half way through the session, I said, "I'm going to wait outside," as I couldn't take it or listen to it anymore, and he was still blaming me for everything. 

When all was said and done, the psychiatrist came out to the waiting room to talk to me.  They got through the session, she said he really was "sorry," (Really?  Was he?), and that she had suggested he take me out for a cup of coffee.  Yeah, right.  The only place I wanted to go after all this was straight home.  She also said she had scheduled him to see the psychotherapist, and she wanted me to contact this person and stress that he needs to be coming every week.  Okay, at least she finally got that, but I'll be honest:  I am very doubtful that it will help, as hubby is very determined that he is always right.

When hubby came to "collect" me to go home, he asked, "Do you want to go anywhere?"  I told him I wanted to go home, and he countered with: "I knew you wouldn't want to go anywhere."  So somehow, even that ended up being my fault in his eyes.  I didn't speak to him at all on the return trip, even though he tried to make small talk as if nothing had happened.  He is SO the master of living in denial.

So right now, I am trying to figure out what to do in the next couple of months.  Do I want to:

- Follow this thing through with the psychotherapist to the bitter end, although I'm sure it will leave me wide open to more verbal abuse?  He often blames me for the fact that he even needs to go to these appointments.

- Move in with another family member, who I spoke to last night, and has said I can?  Yes, the option is there, but there is not a plentiful, reliable water supply.  So if I move in there permanently, some changes would need to be made about the water situation.  Also other repairs as well.  Not sure I want to permanently leave my house where everything actually works.

- Treat the family member's house as a place to go to as I need to?  This might be a great way to deal with his bullshit rages, with the opportunity to come back if I choose . . . do I want the option to come back?  Some days, I'm really not sure.

- Just leave and get my own apartment?  Not sure I can afford it.  Also don't know if I can truly just walk out and not come back.  I actually would worry about him.

- We also have a motor home.  Don't know what his reaction would be if I just drove off in that, as we are still paying on it.  And water would still be an issue, as the tanks only hold so much.

- Continue exactly as I have been?  I don't think this is an option any longer.  I have really had it.


  1. I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. On a side note, Vince cringes when I brake to hard in the car too. Darn neuropathy. Is his pain causing the emotional outbursts? If he has pain like Vince, it is possible....maybe it's not a bad idea to use your family members house as a get away when you need it. Take care xoxo

  2. I hate that you are going through this. I hung in there - it lasted for 3 years. We haven't had these outbursts in about 2 years. OK, once in awhile....but not every single day like we used to. So I'm wondering if it's a "Phase" in the disease? I love the RV idea! Just drive off, take time off, come back when you are ready. But here's another option. Move into the RV and don't drive off. Be his neighbor until he can control the outbursts. Just a thought. :o)

  3. Yes, I thought about moving to the RV after I posted. He never follows me when he's like this, so it might work, even if it is late at night. All I need to do is walk out the door and go to the camper. Hmmm . . . We were finally able to talk about this tonight. He now knows how close I've come to leaving, and why. Will probably write a post about it tomorrow. Too tired right now!Thank you for giving me hope that the outbursts may lessen over time.

  4. Lilly,
    you are smart, capable woman
    you are being pulled impossibly
    there is no right or wrong answer
    and maybe nothing you do is as permanent as it may feel right now

    follow your instinct
    take one day at a time
    and more than anything?
    take care of yourself

    I am sorry you are going through this
    something will change
    whether by your hand or his
    and it will get better

  5. Lilly, you are an incredibly strong woman to be dealing with this. My ex was like your DH - everything was always my fault - only his problem was that he was (and still is) a narcissist - and there is no way you can get them to go to a counselor because they are sure that nothing is wrong with them. I used to ask him to go to a marriage counselor with me and his reply was, "You go ahead and go if you want. You're the one with the problem anyway."

    My current DH - basically a very kind and decent man - gets weird when he is driving. On the rare occasions when I drive (like when he had a minor medical procedure under sedation and was not allowed to drive) he screamed every inch of the way home about every little thing I did and I was a nervous wreck. I pointed out that as I am older than he is, I've been driving longer, and have NEVER had either an accident or a ticket for my driving, so I DO know what I'm doing behind the wheel, and being screamed at detracts from my concentration. It didn't help. He kept right on fussing until we reached our driveway. I'm fine when I drive by myself, but I won't drive him anywhere.

    If you moved into the RV, that just might get your hubby's attention. And if he gives you grief about it, THEN you relocate BOTH yourself and the RV. See how he handles that.

    Nobody deserves to live with abuse. Been there, done that, and there wasn't anything in the marriage vows that said we had to put up with it.

    Take care of yourself, girlfriend. Nobody else is going to do it for you.

  6. New to your your comments...I have been through the 4 a.m. incidents to many times to remember...but what I hate more is the verbal abuse rendered to me when I say the least little thing he disagrees with and that is ususally whatever I say these days...he starts in on me and says awful things....I see mine DH is like a lot of I am not alone in this painful abuse...never physical but the verbal can be as damaging...I cry a lot these days... seems the older we get the more it happens...he is like a OLD man on so many things...I can hardly bear it some days...he works from home and I just want to run away!!! Please, everyone, keep posting your stories... they help me and I know that I am not alone... this disease is horrible in so many hidden ways...why is this not more discussed...I know I am not the easiest person to live with but I really don't think I deserve this treatment so much...thanks again for your blogs..they help me survive day to day...blessing to all of your...TX DW

  7. Thank you for all your comments. I should probably separate all these out into a separate post, but just don't have the energy right now. Your support means much! As always, there are no easy answers. TX DW, you say that your husband is like an old man in many ways. I just had a conversation with my son this past week, in which I told him that hubby was more like a man in his 70's, instead of his 50's. I hate what diabetes has done to both of us.

  8. Sweet Lilly,

    This post has saddened me so much. I've been thinking about it for weeks. I hate these moments with a DH. As you can imagine, I've been there. However, not in your shoes.

    Life has been better in my shoes lately. Time will tell how long this will last.

    I miss you. Yet, I do check in often.

    Anonymou(S) Wife

  9. Anonymou(S),

    Thank you, and glad to know that at least for now, life is better for you lately. I'm still treading water.

    Also happy to know you're still checking in. Take care.