Thinking of Lilly
Today I was thinking of you (not sure why -- just did)
Hoping you are doing ok as you have made some big changes in your life in the last several months
You and DW got me started on this venture of blogging
and I am very grateful
you are a true role model -- if one were to read back through your old posts
one would read how much you have given (physically, emotionally, and everything else)
and then you realized that there was a limit
You tried so hard to make it work
but it takes two!
Tom and I had such a great afternoon yesterday
my situation is very different that yours
am I lucky?
am I at a different point and it will get worse later?
is it something else?
no one can tell
but this I know -- in my heart
you, Lilly, are a smart, strong, giving person
and I wish you the very best
Take good care...
Again, thank you so much for "getting it," and not thinking less of me for making the decision to leave. As it is, everyone close to our situation understands exactly why I am no longer living at home. I am the one who still fears that some will think I left just because he was sick. Thinking I need to get over myself about this, but on bad days I feel "broken," and I do still feel guilty. However, I am no longer willing to be his verbal punching bag . . . although I do still worry about him. Sadly, I can't fix him, and I am done trying. On the rare occasions that we still speak, he will always tell me about his latest predicament or ailment, or that he "fell again" yesterday . . . why won't he use one of the 3 walkers that he has??? His bids for sympathy just make me angry, as it has gotten so old, and he seems to think that this will make me feel so sorry for him that I'll come back.
On good days, I am excited about the new start I am making. I am not into the upstairs apartment I have been working on yet, but it is really starting to shape up. It has been fun to carry out some of my ideas, and know that this is a space that is truly mine. In the meantime, the camper meets most of my needs, even if it is a bit cramped. As long as I can make my move before the snow flies, I will be happy. Other things that I am enjoying:
- Living peacefully, with no one screaming at me
- Freedom to do what I want when I want, with no negative comments
- Socializing with no fear of being embarrassed in public by his inappropriate behavior
- Bit by bit, I am working on rediscovering who I really am, as now I have the freedom to do that
So yes, I still struggle with conflicting feelings, but am growing stronger day by day. Thank you everyone for your positive comments and support. Hopefully, I have helped some of you on your own journey, whatever that may be.