Thursday, January 20, 2011

Fighting my own depression

Realized I haven't posted for awhile.  Have just been very down.  There have been a couple social events that hubby and I have gone to, and things have not gone well.  I am so tired of the sudden "turns" in his demeanor when he is too high or too low (or maybe sometimes it's just his personality?), and the ensuing arguments about stupid, meaningless stuff.  Later, he acts as if nothing has happened, and there is never an apology.  His denial just makes me more angry!

Got away for a few hours after work with a girlfriend to go clothes shopping and get dinner afterwards last week.  It felt so good to do this, as there was no drama involved with hubby.  She and I agreed we need to do this more often, as it is good for both of us. 

But of course, I always have to go back home, and there is always another argument about something that makes no sense.  Sometimes, I don't know who's being mean to who, as it just makes me so exhausted, and I want it to end.  I often end up holing up in my bedroom or in my "woman cave" in the basement.   No, this is not the way I envisioned my life!

To my "sisters" out there: forgive my negative vibes, but hopefully you understand.

 To Diabetes Wife:  May everything go well with your husband's surgery today!

3 comments:

  1. It is hard to think rationally when you are dealing with an irrational person...your out of control sugarwise spouse...keep doing the girl outing things and reevaluate what you want from the relationship that is obviously causing you so much confusion. Sounds like a dose of reality but I have been there and until my hubby was put on antidepressants and retired and started working on getting the diabetes and all the other health problems under control I was wondering what the heck just happened all the time too. HUGS and LOVE. You are rational, he is not. It is NOT you! LOVE YA.

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  2. Dearest wives--my Mother sent me this feed and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate having somewhere to see that I am really not as alone as I thought...this post may be too long for you to read and that's ok, I just need to have somewhere I can say what is in my heart...
    I am 44 and married to my second husband who has been Type I diabetic for 40 years (he's 53). I learned quickly how to help during the lows and to calculate the insulin needed plus make sure a potty was close by for the highs--the pump helped some when he got that some years ago. I had no idea the path our lives would take and do not recognize this man I am now married to, nor do I recognize myself.
    11 years ago we decided to try and have a baby together--I have a daughter from my 1st marriage and her father is a total deadbeat. My husband was an awesome dad and we entered that journey--ended up with infertility due to diabetes and used a sperm donor. After many months we did conceive and were filled with great joy! At that time my husband stated having lots of stomach trouble--severe diarrhea and heartburn. On the same day we got to see our beautiful little boy on the ultrasound for the first time we were told that my husband had cancer. They removed 98% of his stomach and didn't need to do chemo or anything else so thought we were in the clear...the post-op infections began and nearly killed him. I was pregnant and living in another state from all of our family. With numerous hospital stays and constant IV's that I did at home he got better and went back to work after 4 months. His employer promptly fired him for failing to keep up his charting--he was a therapist. Tough to do when you're not there but nevertheless it was terrifying. We lost our home, our dignity and too much to list and came back to our home state where he was able to get an even better position. After 5 years there he developed a yet another very rare diabetic complication called autonomic neuropathy. His BP crashes--bad! December of 2009 he got up in the morning, BP dropped to 50/30 and he passed out and broke his hip on our kitchen floor, in front of our little boy. We have had 13 hip surgeries to date and the passing out issue is every day. He falls constantly and I pick him up or catch him as much as I can. Our son ended up in therapy because he thought it was his fault--he was 9. My husband has had to retire from his job because of medical issues despite little retirement and still having 2 kids at home. We will never recover from the financial strain--doesn't seem like a strong enough word--is financial terror acceptable? From our 5 bedroom house we now live in a mobile home that is falling apart and no one but me to try and do everything.
    Must continue on another post....

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  3. Sorry wives--just had to get it all out and too long...
    Last week our son came home from school to find his Dad unconscious on the floor while I was working at my part-time job--with a college degree, it is all I can afford to be away from him. Little guy knew enough to test his blood sugar--it was 27. Happens alot when I am not here to remind him or do it myself.
    I have a very strong faith and know that God has gotten me through all of this and yes, I usually am the one with a smile and some how find the strength to laugh about it all but just feel so sad, angry and resentful all the time. At 44 I know my life is over--for the next 30 years I will have to take care of my husband in every way.
    I read the comment about sex going away and can certainly relate to that--not sure I'd have the energy anyway. Our latest issue is incontinence--every time my husband lays down, he loses control of his bladder so I spend most of the night changing depends, sheets and underwear. I know how hard that is for him but he falls down if he tries to do it himself and he is scratched and bruised from the bathroom floor so I do this as quietly as possible and without complaint to try and help him with the emotional aspect of that condition. Urologist can't seem to tell us anything...
    Thank you ladies, from the very bottom of my heart for giving me a place to vent and to not feel so all alone.
    God Bless You.

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